Thursday, December 30, 2004

All sucked!

The desperate attempt to somehow compensate for everything that's missing in my life lipo went smashingly well this morning! The pain's not too bad -- though it is a bit of a challenge to stand and sit -- and I'm having no issues with nausea or rotting flesh. But I'm in a girdle thingie that I'm not allowed to remove for almost two weeks, which means no showers, no manscaping (at least no wash-everything-effortlessly-down-the-drain manscaping) and no hope for achieving that walking-along-the-beach-in-soft-focus fresh feeling until the 10th. Is there NO end to my suffering?

I'm convalescing until tomorrow afternoon in dear, dear Matthew's fabulous Gold Cost condo -- and he's pampering me with home-cooked meals cuisine, spa facial treatments, thoroughly illegal custom CDs from his obsessive extensive music collection, and paparazzi-level photographic records of my adventure.

But the poor unfortunate soul doesn't have a decent computer in his house, and I'm forced to surf and post on his dainty little laptop. And Jake and his meaty paws HATE laptops. So I'm not even going to try to post pictures, embed links or spend another minute typing "anf" instead of "and" today. But I'll be home tomorrow with nothing to do but play on my mouse-enhanced computer, post pictures, and blather on and on about how my nutsack is supposed to fill with bruise blood and turn frightening -- albeit harmless -- shades of purple before this whole thing is over. Hey -- nobody said trying to be pretty actually IS pretty.

On another note, I am thoroughly humbled by -- and deeply thankful for -- my nomination and finalist status for the blog award I'm too laptop-tarded to add as a link here. So you have a gushing earful (eyeful?) on THAT topic to look forward to as well.

In the mean time, much love to all of you -- faithful readers, nomination elves and people who have found admirably diplomatic ways to tell me they thought I was hot as-was and I'm more or less a fool-and-his-money fool for having plastic surgery -- from Lipo Land! (Thank you for all your kind words. Sincerely. But for the record, I have no regrets about today, and I'm PSYCHED to see how it all looks. Once the nutsack thing resolves itself, of course.)



Anonymous said...

Great news buddy. Congrats, and a bit of envy on my part. I too noticed that bit of unwanted love as I got dressed. I need to start my fund as well.

Andy said...

Fantastic! Heal well... I totally love that this is the big surprise you hinted at a few weeks ago.

Andy said...

Are you gonna make soap, too? Please say yes! Now *that* would be Body by Jake.

no milk said...

congrats on your successful sucking. and also on your being a finalist!

Christopher said...

Oi! Ten days in a girdle is not at all bad. I broke my jaw this year and spent six weeks with it wired up and still managed to attract my last boyfriend! I predict many wonderful things for you in the next ten days. Weird shit tends to happen when we feel we are at our most unattractive.

Seriously, you are inspiring for electing to undergo voluntary surgery. And congrats on your blog nomination. Deserved from what I have read so far.

Anonymous said...

I hate to poop on this pity parade, but Christopher, who is supposed to be "inspired" by a overly vain gay man's attempt to make himself even "more attractive" by getting this voluntary (and completely unnecessary) lipo? Andy's lame attempt at justification of it by "well, even straight men have body type issues!" and "I haven't found a boyfriend yet, so let's try this, too!" are disheartening.

Note to all gay men: All the waxing, working out, lipo, and botox in the world won't make you "attractive" to those who really matter.

Jake said...

Pity parade? Overly vain? How come the little negative jabs are always made behind a cowardly cloak of anonymity?

As for the people who really matter: I'm doing this for ME -- as my endless blathering on the subject should have made pretty clear. I've made the sacrifices, I've skipped the desserts, I've done the marathons and triathlons, and I want the abs to show for it. (And if other guys find me hot because of it, that's just the low-sugar icing on the low-fat cake.)

I see my little lipo adventure as a much more practical display than buying a huge house or car to show off wealth or being an arrogant asshole to wield professional or social power. I make no apologies and I have no regrets. Except for maybe allowing anonymous comments on my blog.

Jake said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

Appears that you have a bit of trouble taking anything but flattery Jake? Perhaps in 2005 you should spend some savings on therapy?

Anonymous said...

Per Jake: lipo is more practical than buying a house. Wow.

Why not just be happy with the abs you have now? Do you really want to be attracting the guys who will think you're hot only because of your smaller waist and hard abs?

Get over yourself.

Jake said...

Reading for comprehension. Apparently a bit of a challenge for you. Punctuation, too.

I never said I couldn't take anything but flattery. I just said anonymous attacks are weak and cowardly.

I never said lipo is out-and-out more practical than buyng a house. I never said my goal was to attract guys only with my looks. I have no idea why you're so hell-bent on manufacturing an enemy where none exists. I have no idea why you're so angry and bitter -- and such a coward about standing behind your ill-formed opinions. (You wouldn't happen to be a bible thumper, would you?) I have no idea why you even read this blog if it's such a source of pain for you.

In any case, once again your juvenile outbursts mean nobody can comment anonymously on this site. Happy now?

(Are you ever happy?)