Thursday, December 23, 2004

Two-Page Fax

To: Crunch Gym
From: Jake, increasingly disgruntled member

Here we go again …

• I have been a member of Crunch since January 2001.

• My membership has been paid through a payroll deduction program using the same employer every January. As I understand it, my employer pays my membership fee in full at the beginning of each year and deducts portions of it from my paycheck throughout the year.

• Every year you at Crunch have managed to fuck up my membership renewal with exponential levels of incompetence. In 2002 I wasn’t in your system until April, and I was hounded about it by your desk staff—as though it were something I’d done wrong—every day when I tried to check in. The next year I wasn’t in your system until JUNE—despite repeated emails and phone calls and personal conversations asking you to get off your asses and process my paperwork. Last year my membership number changed, but nobody informed me or your desk staff about it, and your staff couldn’t find me in your system for four weeks. Again: More hounding at your desk when I tried to check in even though my membership was paid in full.

How do you people make it through the day? I mean really. Do you have to have job re-training when you get back from lunch? Do you often forget to wipe?

• And now we’re getting a head start on your unique brand of bullshit for 2005. I received the attached letter in the mail last week informing me for the first time—though it’s a “second notice”—that once again you've royally fucked up my renewal and I'm somehow "overdue" on my payments for a calendar year that hasn't even started.

Here's the deal: I renewed online on 10/26/04 at 8:30 pm. (I wrote it down in case you fucked up again and I'd need the information when I verbally bitch slap you. And—who'd've guessed?—I was right.) You will have this issue resolved by the first of the year and your desk staff will NOT treat me like some kind of membership thief when I go to work out in 2005. I’ve had more than my fair share of your staggering moronity over the last four years.

If you’d like to call to explain why this is a problem EVERY YEAR, you can reach me at the number on this letterhead.

Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter.


ADDENDUM FOR MY CONCERNED READERS: I guess I should have indicated this somehow, but this is NOT the actual fax I sent to Crunch. I am not in the habit of swearing so profusely at irritatingly retarded companies—especially companies I hope wouldn't kick me off their member rosters for being justifiably rude and belligerent. The real fax, while quite similar to this one, contained no profanity, no insults and only a modicum of the anger. But it still captured the full spirit of my frustration. Think of the above text as my fax's inner fax.

Oh—and I'm kinda stuck at this Crunch because 1) it's in the basement of my office building, 2) I get a corporate discount, 3) the next nearest gym is a good four blocks away and 4) I work 60+ hours a week, and this ultra-convenient proximity to my office lets me squeeze in at least a tiny workout on even my most jam-packed workday. And if Jake doesn't get his workout, Jake feels fat and sluggish. And if Jake feels fat and sluggish, ain't nobody happy.


Anonymous said...

I don't think the letter is good enough. I think you should walk into that gym swinging a sock full of pennies. You should join my gym. They don't have a giant rabbit mascot or a strip-tease aerobics class, but it IS located in the old Real World house AND you can do your laundry there while you work out.


tim said...

Sweetness, you need to leave Crunch and go somewhere else. Crunch is a pit. It's run by incompetent people. It's the only large-chain gym that I know has "forgotten" to pay their employees... think about it.

nolodger said...

My dear-relax! It's just a gym membership.

Change gyms or know that there will always be problems.
I hope you do not continue to be upset for the holidays.

Besides, isn't that the same gym where the guy was showing you his "winkie"?

As if you turned away in horror....


Jeff said...

Wow, be careful handling that poison pen of yours! I'm impressed.

Alyssa said...

As a chronic bitcher and occasional writer of nasty letters to soulless corporations, I say - Huzzah!

Also, you could hire out for the letter-writing thing. That's awesome.

Dennis! said...

I too must comment on the eloquence of your letter. I've written a few letters like this on occasion too (albeit without the profanity) and it's quite cathartic. My brother, on the other hand, sometimes sends me drafts of complaint letters he's getting ready to send, and... well, they kinda suck.

BigDubb said...

Send it, send it, send it. Send it in all it's candor and eloquence. I think retailer need these brisk kicks in the nutz to let them know how totally jacked up some of thier systems are. make sure you cc: the President, COO and any other executive officers of the company you can get information on.

don't forget your conclusion: Merry fucking Christmas.

TheBrad said...

You work out at the Crunch on State?! What a coincidence! I <strike>work out at</strike> have occasionally walked by the Crunch on State!