Two-Page Fax

To: Crunch Gym
From: Jake, increasingly disgruntled member

Here we go again …

• I have been a member of Crunch since January 2001.

• My membership has been paid through a payroll deduction program using the same employer every January. As I understand it, my employer pays my membership fee in full at the beginning of each year and deducts portions of it from my paycheck throughout the year.

• Every year you at Crunch have managed to fuck up my membership renewal with exponential levels of incompetence. In 2002 I wasn’t in your system until April, and I was hounded about it by your desk staff—as though it were something I’d done wrong—every day when I tried to check in. The next year I wasn’t in your system until JUNE—despite repeated emails and phone calls and personal conversations asking you to get off your asses and process my paperwork. Last year my membership number changed, but nobody informed me or your desk staff about it, and your staff couldn’t find me in your system for four weeks. Again: More hounding at your desk when I tried to check in even though my membership was paid in full.

• How do you people make it through the day? I mean really. Do you have to have job re-training when you get back from lunch? Do you often forget to wipe?

• And now we’re getting a head start on your unique brand of bullshit for 2005. I received the attached letter in the mail last week informing me for the first time—though it’s a “second notice”—that once again you've royally fucked up my renewal and I'm somehow "overdue" on my payments for a calendar year that hasn't even started.

Here's the deal: I renewed online on 10/26/04 at 8:30 pm. (I wrote it down in case you fucked up again and I'd need the information when I verbally bitch slap you. And—who'd've guessed?—I was right.) You will have this issue resolved by the first of the year and your desk staff will NOT treat me like some kind of membership thief when I go to work out in 2005. I’ve had more than my fair share of your staggering moronity over the last four years.

If you’d like to call to explain why this is a problem EVERY YEAR, you can reach me at the number on this letterhead.

Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter.

Jake

ADDENDUM FOR MY CONCERNED READERS: I guess I should have indicated this somehow, but this is NOT the actual fax I sent to Crunch. I am not in the habit of swearing so profusely at irritatingly retarded companies—especially companies I hope wouldn't kick me off their member rosters for being justifiably rude and belligerent. The real fax, while quite similar to this one, contained no profanity, no insults and only a modicum of the anger. But it still captured the full spirit of my frustration. Think of the above text as my fax's inner fax.

Oh—and I'm kinda stuck at this Crunch because 1) it's in the basement of my office building, 2) I get a corporate discount, 3) the next nearest gym is a good four blocks away and 4) I work 60+ hours a week, and this ultra-convenient proximity to my office lets me squeeze in at least a tiny workout on even my most jam-packed workday. And if Jake doesn't get his workout, Jake feels fat and sluggish. And if Jake feels fat and sluggish, ain't nobody happy.