Monday, December 06, 2004

Escargoo

I had another evening of fun with the girls on Saturday—this time at a foo-foo restaurant long on attitude and short on general yumminess. Except for the bread, which was positively orgasmic. It was so orgasmic, in fact, that we patrons were not trusted to be left alone with baskets of its leavened goodness on our tables. No! It was instead given to us intermittently by an international bread steward, who came around with a vast tray of the stuff, doling it out reverently with tongs only when he deemed we were ready for more.

To be honest, there wasn't much on the menu that I found appetizing, but I was in the minority. Our table ordered so much stuff, in fact, that the chef sent out a free pre-appetizer course that consisted of lumps of escargot on tiny beds of carmelized onions. I'd never eaten escargot before because, well, it never sounded very appealing. And my opinions were only reinforced as my little serving of it sat before me, looking like little more than what you'd find in your kleenex after a very productive blow.

But I'm a man of 2004! A boy of destiny! I take risks and try new things and grab the bull by the horns and fearlessly overcome my culinary revulsion inertia. So I tried it. And, to be honest, it wasn't bad. But it also wasn't terribly good. In fact, in a blind taste test, I don't think I'd be able to tell the difference between the poor little guy on my plate and a firm, hairy booger cooked in garlic butter.

For the life of me, I can't remember the name of the restaurant, but it was something like Kopa (Polka? Toga? Tapioca?). And if you ever go there, don't order the menu item simply called "pork." You'd expect to get a lovely pork roast crusted with rosemary and thyme, but you'd be wrong—because you'd instead get a greasy hamhock that's 80% bone and about 3% actual, edible meat. And you'd feel a little iffy for the next 24 hours.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

"And there's NOTHING that gets my dander up faster as a non-drinker than people who think I want to subsidize their brand-name alcohol consumption."

Missy, your Midwest righteousness tendencies are showing. - Jimbo

Jake said...

Oh, PLEASE.

My total food and beverage consumption: $47
My total "share" of the bill for the table: $135

I don't mind accommodating up to a $20 liquor disparity, but almost $100? That officially sucks.

Will said...

I go to dinner with friends a lot before theater and opera in NYC. I have trained them over the years not to do what was done to you. I'm not a trust fund baby: I order carefully when it comes to price, I don't have more than one glass of wine with dinner--and I keep track AS I'M ORDERING of my exact tab. Others hit the martinis and lobster and pretend ignorance of how much they've ordered when the bill comes.

The first time the equal split was proposed I said simply, "guys, I'm on a strict budget and I don't run up a big liquor bill--I'll be more than happy to pay my personal share which is $____, including tax and a good tip [for the meltingly beautiful waiter]." Worked like a charm, no hard feelings, and I can afford to hang with them on performance nights.

vanguard said...

Just out of curiosity, what's it like being a homo raped by a bunch of middle aged women? That sucks!

Anonymous said...

the chef sent out a free pre-appetizer course ....

That's called: amuse bouche.

A copy writer of your stature should be aware of these things...

tim said...

HELLO!!! Mr. High-Fallutin-ex-copy-writer-new-art-director. You don't know the term "amuse bouche"?!?!?!?!??! Shame on you. And you're GAY?!?!?!? Shame shame shame.

Jake said...

But it couldn't have been an amuse bouche; there's nothing amusing about a giant gob of buttery snot on a plate.

RcktMan Rick said...

Jake, I COMPLETELY and WHOLEHEARTEDLY say "AMEN" to your aversion to paying for other people's liquor bills. It's the one reason I despise dining out at "fancy" places. Being not much of a drinker myself, I rarely ever imbibe while dining out. And yet every single time, without fail, it seems, if I am with a group that is NOT my usual circle of friends, they ALWAYS insist on splitting the bill evenly. There aren't too many ways to say "Uh-UH bitches... You pay your share and I'll pay mine" without being looked upon as a raggy pauper. But dammit, see if I care! Yes, your situation was a bit different being with your mom and her friends, although I love her that much more for speaking the truth in the end. Indeed, sometimes Miss Manners does rule the day. Damn that bitch.