Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Holiday gym trash

The day before Thanksgiving, this almost impossibly cute muscleboy appeared in my gym. Built like a college wrestler, he had everything I find distracting in a man: V-shaped back, cantilevered bubble butt and slabs-o-beef pecs hovering over a wall of cobblestone abs. And his FACE. Cute and impish, he had a grin that could convince Rush Limbaugh himself to throw his self-righteous feet in the air. (Now there's a mental image that could keep a guy impotent for a good long time.)

Best of all, the dude was a total flirt. We exchanged about 10 goofy smiles during our workouts and in the locker room, where he took his sweet time drying off from his shower and searching for his underwear. (Silly boy! He couldn't find his underwear!)

Of course, I never went up and said hi. Because that would be what normal people do. (Of course, neither did he, but this post is about me and my shortcomings. At least for now.)

So Thanksgiving weekend came and went, and he was the first thing I looked for when I got back in the gym on Monday. But no luck. I kept looking for him every day after that, but he was never there. Then last Thursday—the week before Christmas—I had to miss my usual lunch workout, and I found myself in the after-work gym crowd for the first time in years. I half expected to see my muscledude there, but no luck.


Until I went to take a shower. As I headed to the only open shower stall, I noticed a beefy guy across from me soaping himself up with his curtain slightly open. I didn't think anything of it until after I finished my (long, relaxing) shower and opened my own curtain. And there he still was: My muscledude. Staring right at me through the (even wider?) opening in his curtain. Still soaping himself up. And playing with his winkie.

Now, if we were in a porno movie (AS IF), this would be totally hot. If I were fantasizing—in my head and only in my head—about finally meeting up with him and gettin' it on like naughty pokeweasels, this would be totally appropriate.

But this guy was beating off in a public shower in a public gym in full view of anyone—gay or straight—who happened to pad by in a towel. As though it were OK.

And nothing kills my interest in a guy faster than staggeringly bad judgment.

And it actually gets worse. I saw Winkie Boy again yesterday over lunch. And he was doing that thing that pathetic gay guys do where they physically turn away from you so they don't have to acknowledge you—to, you know, show that they're cooler than you are. AS IF.

But I won't play his reindeer games. Because nothing cements my loathing for pathetic gay men faster than attitude. And I didn't ask for holiday gym trash for Christmas this year. I asked for SOCKS.


Joe said...

Oooh, Jake. You are definitely preachin' to the choir on THIS one. Absolutely unacceptable. NOT hot, despite what porn videos tell us. This is why I never even shower at the gym, I wait until I get home, because the behavior is just too staggeringly depressing. Even AT a gay gym. Even if we ARE in Chelsea.

Ryan said...

That's really lame of him. But seriously though - socks? What did you really ask for?

Jeff said...

Bravo! Someone else agrees with me: just because you can, doesn't mean you have to!

Besides, aren't our fantasies always better in our head?

Peter said...

Talk about a health risk. Every time you walk into a gym shower (barefoot), you could be walking on traces of someone else's spooge. This is why I always go home to shower. Much safer that way, plus I can take my time and not have to worry that someone else might be waiting for me to finish. And besides, how does one whack off in a public shower anyway? To me, the very environment is a huge turnoff, naked jocks notwithstanding. The stanky sweat. The crude jokes. The shocking lack of personal hygiene (of some people).
By the way, I think all of us are showing our good old-fashioned Midwestern righteousness here ;)

Todd said...

My gym-that-I-still-pay-monthly-dues-to-but-haven't-visited-in-months has had quite a problem with this sort of thing. When it opened almost 2 years ago, the shower stalls had shower curtains. But then they had a problem more than one guy at a time trying to "take a shower" in the same stall. So they removed the shower curtains. Entirely.

While kind of hot, between the lurkers and the showoffs it also made for an uncomfortable environment. So now they have what I call "tea-length" shower curtains that offer privacy but also would show 2 pairs of feet.

They also had to put a padlock on the sauna. I think it's since reopened.

Oh, did I mention this particular gym was profiled on the local news as having a locker room known for being a hot-spot for "gay activity."


tim said...

Gymrat says: Welcome to my world. I still shower at gym when I go. But it really is truly so inappropriate. I, for one, am mad that I have to witness this behavior. I would like to be able to use the shower and steam and sauna without having to deal with all that drama. Accccchhhhh!!!!!

jimg said...

Hear Hear, mark me down in the I agree column. I recently walked in on two guys going at it in the steamroom at my gym. Now, these were two men who obviously didn't use the gym for lifting, which made the experience all the more disturbing, but they became angry with me when I told them their behavior was inappropriate. Some people.
I love it when people pretend they don't know you. Chelsea Amnesia, that is what I call it.

dan said...

Hot in porn very rarely equals hot in reality. That's why porn exists, because through it you are able to accept things you would never accept in real life. The two worlds should never ever cross over.