I have a special skill. It's apparently very rare—and very marketable. I don't talk about it much (mostly because the vast majority of conversations don't meander anywhere near the topic), and subsequently not many people know about it. But once in a while someone will bring it up, and people will come from miles around to acknowledge my talents and ask questions and basically bask in the glow of my supernova magnificence.
And, really, it's no big deal. REALLY. In fact, I'll tell you what it is right now: I can fold a fitted sheet.
Today at work has been one of the abovementioned once-in-a-while days. At some point this morning, word started spreading, people started stopping by and—I swear I am not making this next part up—I have been asked to demonstrate how to fold a fitted sheet at tomorrow's all-company staff meeting.
Which will make tomorrow a pretty eventful workday: I'm having lunch with the vice president to congratulate me on my recent promotion, we have our company holiday party (which the company actually scheduled around last weekend's chorus concert so I could attend it for the first time in four years) and I will demonstrate to 150 co-workers the proper way to fold a fitted sheet.
And you, my lucky, lucky, lucky readers, are about to learn how to fold a fitted sheet yourselves—before my colleagues will:
1) Make a fist.
2) Hang one corner of the sheet on your fist with the sleepy side up (and your fist on the mattress side).
3) Grab the corner at the end of the nearest LONG side of the sheet and hang it over the corner that's already on your fist. Make sure you keep the sleepy sides facing each other, so you'll essentially have the sheet inside-out from this point forward.
4) Grab the corner nearest to that top corner and hang it over your fist.
5) Grab the last corner and hang it over your fist.
6) Give the whole thing a few shakes and line up the loops of fabric on each side of your fist.
7) Lay it flat and fuss a little more with those loops until you have a nicely organized pile of fabric.
8) Fold it in halves or thirds just like a flat sheet until it's the proper size for storing it in your linen closet.
And you're done! This foolproof method is guaranteed* to give you professional results that will transform your linen closet into an oasis of Zen-like organization that you will proudly show your houseguests again and again. You can maybe even charge admission.
*Or double your money back. Not including tax, title or licensing fees. Restrictions apply. Do not use this method on sheets featuring animal prints or trendy cartoon characters. In fact, do not keep sheets featuring animal prints or trendy cartoon characters in your house, as they have been proven to cause horribly disfiguring diseases and/or inspire withering remarks of ridicule from homosexuals with fabulous taste. And you're lucky to have homosexuals with fabulous taste in your life, so don't fuck it up by buying crappy sheets. You've been warned.