Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Holy sheet!

I have a special skill. It's apparently very rare—and very marketable. I don't talk about it much (mostly because the vast majority of conversations don't meander anywhere near the topic), and subsequently not many people know about it. But once in a while someone will bring it up, and people will come from miles around to acknowledge my talents and ask questions and basically bask in the glow of my supernova magnificence.

And, really, it's no big deal. REALLY. In fact, I'll tell you what it is right now: I can fold a fitted sheet.

Today at work has been one of the abovementioned once-in-a-while days. At some point this morning, word started spreading, people started stopping by and—I swear I am not making this next part up—I have been asked to demonstrate how to fold a fitted sheet at tomorrow's all-company staff meeting.

Which will make tomorrow a pretty eventful workday: I'm having lunch with the vice president to congratulate me on my recent promotion, we have our company holiday party (which the company actually scheduled around last weekend's chorus concert so I could attend it for the first time in four years) and I will demonstrate to 150 co-workers the proper way to fold a fitted sheet.

And you, my lucky, lucky, lucky readers, are about to learn how to fold a fitted sheet yourselves—before my colleagues will:

1) Make a fist.
2) Hang one corner of the sheet on your fist with the sleepy side up (and your fist on the mattress side).
3) Grab the corner at the end of the nearest LONG side of the sheet and hang it over the corner that's already on your fist. Make sure you keep the sleepy sides facing each other, so you'll essentially have the sheet inside-out from this point forward.
4) Grab the corner nearest to that top corner and hang it over your fist.
5) Grab the last corner and hang it over your fist.
6) Give the whole thing a few shakes and line up the loops of fabric on each side of your fist.
7) Lay it flat and fuss a little more with those loops until you have a nicely organized pile of fabric.
8) Fold it in halves or thirds just like a flat sheet until it's the proper size for storing it in your linen closet.

And you're done! This foolproof method is guaranteed* to give you professional results that will transform your linen closet into an oasis of Zen-like organization that you will proudly show your houseguests again and again. You can maybe even charge admission.

*Or double your money back. Not including tax, title or licensing fees. Restrictions apply. Do not use this method on sheets featuring animal prints or trendy cartoon characters. In fact, do not keep sheets featuring animal prints or trendy cartoon characters in your house, as they have been proven to cause horribly disfiguring diseases and/or inspire withering remarks of ridicule from homosexuals with fabulous taste. And you're lucky to have homosexuals with fabulous taste in your life, so don't fuck it up by buying crappy sheets. You've been warned.


Hugo said...

Not only did it turn my linen closet into an oasis of Zen-like organization, but in the past month since Jake shared his secret with me, I've had more (and better) sex than I've had in the previous 10 months combined.

(This testimonial was unsolicited and without remuneration.)

R said...

My current strategy is to roll the fitted sheet into a giant ball. I am the worst homosexual ever.

TheBrad said...

The best sex I've ever, ever had was with a guy who had soft blue sheets with little pictures of duckies and sheep on them. I'm just saying.

Ryan said...

It's like I suddenly know the meaning of life now.

Many many thanks, Linen-Sensei Jake.

Christopher said...

I too can fold fitted sheets! It's kinda like riding a bicycle, etc. You know I once bought a fitted sheet real cheap and it was only when I got it home that I realised that it was made from T-shirt fabric. So I threw it away.

Not a great anecdote. Sorry.

portuguesa nova said...

I saw the last 20 seconds of Martha Stewart demonstrating this on Oprah once in a fleeting flipping through the channels moment a few years ago and have been willing to pay up to $50,000 on eBay for the footage ever no avail.

You should really not be offering up this information for free.

Now...if only you could post some type of video file demonstrating this, because I can't seem to make it work...though that may not even do the trick.

I've watched this "fold a perfect shirt" video online so many times I can practically speak fluent Japanese and am still useless (

Anonymous said...

Now I feel like the bad gay. I learned to fold fitted sheets from HGTV. But I buy flat sheets for the mattress. That way I can iron them with lemon verbena spray.


RcktMan Rick said...

All I saw was





...Jake! I never knew!

J. said...

The witicism in which you express yourself is totally magnetic and if I can master this fitted sheet thing my life will be changed forever. I think I may feel a sense of growth and enlightenment a little, but only a little. I too cool to admit the full extent of it for sure.

Joe said...

How to fold a fitted sheet in Manhattan:

1. Have laundry service pick up bag of dirty sheets.
2. Have laundry service deliver cleaned sheets.
3. Leave cleaned and folded sheets in the vacuum-sealed
plastic-wrap, until needed.
4. Break plastic seal, place fitted sheet on bed.
5. Repeat as necessary.

palochi said...

And here I was thinking about skipping the party.

If anyone's interested in attending this fisting... er, fitting, I am allowed (being a NoFo co-worker myself) to bring *one* guest tonight. Hurry soon to let me know, as time is a' wastin'. And bring a camera. And some extra sheets, just in case there's a mishap while he's under all the obvious folding performance pressure.

Gosh, Jake... with a talent like this, I'm truly surprised you haven't landed yourself a husband yet. Or a job as a hotel maid.

Jake said...

Ya think I'm gonna fold under pressure, eh?

And for the record: The folding will happen at the 4:00 staff meeting, NOT the 6:00 company party. And you're usually not encouraged to bring guests to our staff meetings.

:: jozjozjoz :: said...

Yeah, I never knew there was so much fisting involved in folding sheets.


I request a photo demonstration of your method.

Preferably with lots of fist photos.

Thanks in advance.

Schorsch said...

I have to second what jozjozjoz said: I need a photo demonstration.
The goal of Zen-Buddhism is the complete absence of confusion, but my sheets look as if I am not even half way there. When I tried it last night, the result of my work turned out as if I was a serious follower of Ryan's "current strategy" (see above).
Could you elaborate on the collection of corners #2, 3 and 4? Which side of the fabric goes where? Mattress side agains mattress side or, ...?

Anonymous said...

Yeah. I am totally in need of a visual too. Is there gonna be a DVD?

Sue A said...

My wish has come true! Evey since you mentioned this skill in a blog long ago, I was wishing that you would share your wisdom. Can't wait to revise my linen closet!

Mark said...

I am not nearly smart enough to figure out step three.

Mark said...

But I am smart enough to find a visual aid for the poor idiots like me. (But it turns out that that's how I have been folding my fitted sheets all along; fool's luck, I suppose.)