Tuesday, January 20, 2004

The high price of (allegedly) peeing on children

So Bill and I think we have the Hummer mystery solved. See, every noon when we go to the gym, there's a huge urine-colored Hummer illegally parked right in front with its flashers on. And since everyone knows Hummers are purchased only by parvenus, Republicans and/or the small-penised, we assumed its presence had something to do with the fact that we see rapper and (alleged) child pee-er-on-er R. Kelly and his equipment-hogging posse at the gym every day at that time.

Today, we also noticed that there's always this R. Kelly-posse-type dude (you know: bling, baggy velour sports ensemble, well-practiced street scowl) sitting glumly by the front door every time we walk in. And today we figured out he's the meter-maid lookout. He sits there every day guarding the flashing Hummer against The Man's evil penchant for ticketing the gold-plated wheels of oppressed rappers.

So therefore R. Kelly doesn't park illegally every day because he's above the law. Quite the contrary -- he has to park illegally because his defending-himself-against-(allegedly)-peeing-on-minors legal bills preclude him from affording the legitimate parking that the not-(allegedly)-peeing-on-minors rest of the world enjoys.

Mystery solved!

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