I! Am! Home! Officed!

Thanks to the helpfulness and humbling generosity of a friendly benefactor — along with his last-minute tech support to correct a tear in the space-time continuum that resulted in a ludicrously backward-scrolling track pad — I now have a techie-cool PC laptop complete with brothel-red backlighting on the keys. (I’m positively SCANDALIZED by the brazenness of it all!)

Thanks to the chronic shitpile black hole of knowledge, competence and customer service of Best Lie, I also have a fancy second monitor that I was guaranteed — after asking repeatedly AND after the salesidiot literally opened the box and looked at everything it contained before he sold it to me — included all the cords I’d need to connect it to my new laptop ... WHICH OF COURSE IT DIDN’T BECAUSE WHY WOULD ANYTHING BE DIFFERENT FROM THE LAST TIME I WAS MISLED AND PISSED OFF BY BEST LIE? But I found an HDMI cable from who knows where in a jumble of cords in the back of a cabinet at home and I put myself back in business. I can sometimes accidentally look like I know what I’m doing like that.

Plus! I dug out a gay-ass shattered-mirror lamp and a handsomely upholstered leather chair from my storage locker and I am now a member of the computer generation! The jet set! The projector sector! The laptop hipchat! The trackpad smackdown! The mouse house! The cable cabal! The monitor speedometer!

I’ll stop now.