The expanded 75-acre Super Target enveloping the west side of Cedar Rapids at 8:00 - 8:30 pm on a chilly January Monday is the exact opposite of where you should look to find:
• White shower heads unencumbered by stupid droopy hand-holdable hoses that just leak anyway
• Blank recordable CDs
• Vintage-looking Donald Duck T-shirts on clearance in my size
• Unheathered fabrics anywhere in the whole damn men's department
• Seriously - heathered shirts are the fashion equivalent of Bitch Kitty in a marching band uniform
• Affordable knockoffs of Kellyanne Conway's inauguration marching band dress
• All the bulk bar soap in the same aisle or even within 10 aisles of each other
• Cat perms
• Packages of fun-size share-with-the-office chocolates on the front shelves by the groceries where they've been reliably located in every Target in the known universe and beyond since the second Roosevelt administration
• Age-appropriate handsome potential boyfriends who aren't suddenly draped in clingy wives or girlfriends as soon as you both reach the end of the aisle
• Sassy pants
• In-focus photos of the new all-white expanded 75-acre Super Target logo from right by your car, which is parked really not that far away because the parking lot is practically empty which is why there are no age-appropriate handsome potential boyfriends wandering the aisles looking for scabby gay guys who sit in their cars listening to Billy Joel while furtively whining on Facebook
• Any fucking left-turn access to Edgewood Road
• Cherry-vanilla yogurt
• Blank recordable CDs
• Vintage-looking Donald Duck T-shirts on clearance in my size
• Unheathered fabrics anywhere in the whole damn men's department
• Seriously - heathered shirts are the fashion equivalent of Bitch Kitty in a marching band uniform
• Affordable knockoffs of Kellyanne Conway's inauguration marching band dress
• All the bulk bar soap in the same aisle or even within 10 aisles of each other
• Cat perms
• Packages of fun-size share-with-the-office chocolates on the front shelves by the groceries where they've been reliably located in every Target in the known universe and beyond since the second Roosevelt administration
• Age-appropriate handsome potential boyfriends who aren't suddenly draped in clingy wives or girlfriends as soon as you both reach the end of the aisle
• Sassy pants
• In-focus photos of the new all-white expanded 75-acre Super Target logo from right by your car, which is parked really not that far away because the parking lot is practically empty which is why there are no age-appropriate handsome potential boyfriends wandering the aisles looking for scabby gay guys who sit in their cars listening to Billy Joel while furtively whining on Facebook
• Any fucking left-turn access to Edgewood Road
• Cherry-vanilla yogurt
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