You know that eternally burning question about how if man evolved from apes why are there still apes that accomplishes nothing more than exposing a lazy intellectual belligerence and a staggering lack of science education on the part of the questioner? Well, I lead with that question from the disorienting fog of a groggy morning belligerence on my part inspired by a probably never-to-be-understood fathomless chasm of a referential leap that is the dangerous byproduct of checking Facebook before you crack open your breakfast Diet Coke and being accosted by this photo in that ugly orange Memories frame as it leers hauntingly at you from the top of your news feed. But it nonetheless establishes a sturdy evolution-related platform from which I feel compelled to shout to you this dire warning:
Evolution is real and THIS IS WHAT YOU CAME FROM and you and the generations that follow are cursed with an ancestry forged by the unholy alliance between the houses of Montgomery Ward the Musical and Quilted Maxidress on the Prairie and if you don't marry into a healthy gene pool you and all your progeny will eventually find yourselves clad in matching flammable polyester houndstooth sportcoats and coordinating eyelet-detailed blouses attached to patchwork dresses parsimoniously crafted from every scrap of hoarded leftover toaster-cozy fabric in your sewing room.
And no matter how adorable you all are -- and just look at how adorable we all are! -- there will always be a gay uncle who will verbosely dissect your wardrobe choices and gently mock his younger self for being so button-bursting proud to wear a flammable polyester houndstooth sportcoat just like his idolized dad's and post his rambling, incoherent manifesto on social media before he's cracked open his breakfast Diet Coke.
Don't say you haven't been warned.
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