Sunday, January 09, 2005

Inner sanctumoniousness

Last July, after taking three years to pick a color, I finally painted my bathroom, transforming it from a nightmare in beige to a fiesta of … um … darker beige, acutally. But I think it looks hella-cool, and it no doubt has tripled* the value of my condo.

*Or not.

I took pictures right away to post here and share with all of you, but I got distracted by … um … the way Ann Coulter looks like a third-world drag queen. (Really! Someone please feed that poor hungry man some cock—no wonder he's always so irrational and angry.) Anyway, I'm finally making amends and posting bathroom pix here and now, for your early 2005 weekend enjoyment:

Funny how a darker wall color can transform the look of a cheap mirror from ghetto to fabulous. Really. When my walls were off-white, this scabby old mirror looked like Ann Coulter something you'd find next to the condom machine in a truck-stop bathroom. And now the darker wall color suddenly gives it a deep, rich luster*.

*Saving me the cost and effort of replacing it.

And check out the bas-relief medallions I have hanging next to the mirror. They represent the four seasons, and because I'm too pathetic to have real, actual hobbies I rotate them so the current season is always on top. True story! In this picture, see, "summer" is on the top, followed (naturally) by "fall," "winter" and then "spring." Whenever you're in my bathroom, you always know what season it is AND which seasons come next, just by reading down. Except for right now. Because I haven't changed the medallions since I took this picture. In July. (That would be "summer," for those of you having trouble with the math.)

How much do I love this stencil? Let me count the ways: 1) It looks funky, retro, modern and tribal all at once, with a dash of Keith Haring flavor thrown in as if to say Hey, I'm kinda gay here! 2) The pattern has no discernible beginning or end, so I didn't have to measure and center and fudge and worry about balance and how it wrapped around the corners. Things like that keep me up at night. 3) The stencil pattern, paints and brushes cost less than five bucks. 4) The whole stencil process took like 30 minutes. 5) It's the finishing touch that makes my bathroom look like a high-end day spa. If you squint real hard.

In addition to hating my bathroom walls, I also REALLY hated the sink. The sink bowl is a mousy-blah light gray with a utilitarian round shape designed to complement the d├ęcor in any prison or livestock housing facility. But it was in good condition, and replacing it was more work than I cared to take on. So I simply replaced the faucet with a curvaceous piece of hardware that was a bitch to install—though it gives the sink's roundness a sense of holistic purpose and elevates my whole bathroom experience to something approaching cosmic meaning. (And if you look closely, you can see that I took this picture with my shirt off.)

These fabulous little candle shelves were made by my spectacularly handy ex, Jeff. I'd seen shelves like these on the Queer Eye episode where the hunky little monkey boy with the bad breath was afraid to walk down the runway with his purse-designing wife. I'd looked all over for similar shelves, but they were nowhere to be found. So Jeff came to the rescue, making a bunch of them from scratch for me. He totally rocks.

A view of the finished product. The slogan on the Fairy Soap sign asks "Have you a little fairy in your home?" I bought it because I think cleanliness is the most important virtue (right after voting for my bloginess), and I live to preach the gospel of soap to the unwashed masses. Too bad the people who need it most—like that bitch Ann Coulter—are banned from my bathroom and will never get to see it. (Hey, a man's gotta poop—and with people like him her in the room, all holes clamp shut in instinctive self-preservation.)


susan said...

B. U. T-FULL. I'm inspired to transform my bathroom too. I have a mirror just like yours and it's good to know I just need to paint around it and not remove it.

susan said...

P.S. I do think it must be your counter that is throwing off the side column for us IE users. Are you on a mission to convert us all or will you take pity on us and try making the counter smaller? I'll still read and vote for you daily regardless.

Jake said...

I tried all the counter sizes, and none of them made a difference in the way stuff sorted itself out in my IE browser. The only solution is to burn down Microsoft.

just call me jeff said...

Yay -- you're moving up the ranks in the BOB popular vote. Clearly your fans are rallying and you're bound for a podium finish. What will you wear to receive your certificate of honourable mention!?

Jeff (not your spectacularly handy ex, but uniquely talented nonethelesss)

SAMerican Revolution said...

I won't be able to sleep tonight if I don't know if you switch the medallions to "summer" sometime in May (fake summer) or after June 21 (real summer)...

orbicon perpendaplex said...

I have that same Fairy Soap plaquette in my bathroom. How gay is that? Well, very. We have more than just that in common:
You had lipo. I want it.
You don't rotate your medallions promptly. I have a 2002 calendar on my wall.
Well, thats probably all we have in common. Oh! And BOB! Good luck.

meratcha said...

Your bathroom is gorgeous! I want an ex called Jeff who can make me some of those shelves! I *wish* they'd do a 'Queer Eye for the Lesbians' series. I'd be first in line... seeing as the *entire* bathroom we bought last August is still sitting in our garage. *sigh*

Anonymous said...

Yes, yes, sweetie, the new decor is fabulous but on to Ann Coulter... WTF!!?? Her hands alone are freakishly gigantic... Hahah! Ew. Ew. All I can say is that bitch will get her comeupence. ::insert evil laughter here::

Erick said...

The pics are lovely! I just love a nice bathroom. So relaxing to just do your business in beauty. Which reminds me, whenever I remember, when I'm at the book store I always hide the Ann Coulter books----usually in the erotica section!

Todd said...

Love the bathroom. The stencil is particularly nice. FYI about the wall blocks: they're available at West Elm (, but why have prefabricated ones when you have nice, custom-made wall art?