Monday, July 12, 2004

Weekend Adventures

The chorus show.
No fuckups. Two standing ovations. Some shameless backstage flirting with one of our adorable new members. It all adds up to a good time.

The expanding blogosphere.
Fellow chorus member Rick now has a blog. Give him a visit. Make him feel welcome. (But not like you're a horny chorus boy and he's a visiting German. It's been done.)

The bathroom.
Dear Kohler,

I recently installed a bathroom faucet made by your company. I'm a fairly competent plumber, with lots of successful DIY experience and two rolls of plumber's tape in my toolbox. So I know what I'm doing. And I know that replacing a simple faucet -- especially when you have all the right tools at hand -- should take 30 minutes. 45 tops.

I also therefore know you're a bunch of morons whose bad design decisions transformed a quick project into a full-weekend ordeal for me. Who ever heard of a faucet with female water-supply connectors? And how did you determine that the water-supply hoses you included would offer only 3/8" compression fittings? (What about those of us with 1/2" pipes in our walls? Don't we get a voice?) And why -- in a shallow gesture toward standard plumbing sizes -- did you include female-to-male adapters (a medical miracle!) that made the faucet too big to fit through standard holes in standard sinks? WHY DO YOU SUCK SO MUCH?

Even though I now loathe you and all your employees with every fiber of my being, the faucet looks quite handsome in my snappy new bathroom. But only because I had to lug the whole damn thing to my friendly neighborhood Ace Hardware Store -- TWICE -- and have the kindly old proprietor -- who was also quite stymied by your poor design choices -- help me jerry-rig the water-supply elements I needed to get your fucking faucet working properly.

You suck and I hate you.

Sincerely,
Jake

4 comments:

Joe said...

First of all, when I scanned this post, '45 Tops' leapt out at me, and I had to snicker. Congrats on the concert. Although I have a standing policy never to date anyone in a gay chorus, (or gay cheerleaders or gay barristas or gay dog groomers) I have to admit that the SF chorus brought me to tears EVERY year at their xmas show. And that rule about not dating guys in a chorus is utterly superfluous, since I don't date ANYONE, seeing as how I'm dead inside and all. But nice to hear about anyway, Jake!

Anonymous said...

Looks like everyone's spreading the love this week!

-Plish

Anonymous said...

My hometown neighbor used to be president of Kohler in Wisconsin. I'll pass along the note...someone's gotta let em know.

Anonymous said...

Please define "that kind of party" .....

Your Friendly TiVo HelpDesk Guy :)