Tuesday, July 13, 2004

Box turtle: The new gerbil

"It does not affect your daily life very much if your neighbor marries a box turtle. But that does not mean it is right. ... Now you must raise your children up in a world where that union of man and box turtle is on the same legal footing as man and wife."
-- Sen. John Cornyn (R-Tex.), advocating a constitutional ban on same-sex marriage in a speech July 8, 2004, to the Heritage Foundation.

"In every society, the definition of marriage has not ever to my knowledge included homosexuality. That's not to pick on homosexuality. It's not, you know, man on child, man on dog, or whatever the case may be."
Sen. Rick Santorum (R-Pa), in an AP interview April 7, 2003.


OK. We get it, Republican Senators. You're obsessed with hatred for other human beings. You're obsessed with dividing the world into Us and Them. You're obsessed with animal fucking.

Well, guess what? You're looking more and more desperate as you try to justify your wholly unjustifiable opinions -- and you're actually making eloquent arguments for gay marriage in the process.

Where you sow hatred and division, gay marriage celebrates love and respect.

Where you paint mental pictures of man-on-animal sex, gay marriage celebrates the physical union between adult humans.

Do you REALLY see the whole box turtle argument as valid, Mr. Cornyn? Since box turtles can't declare vows or sign marriage licenses or stuff their little turtle friends in ugly bridesmaid dresses or even so much as demonstrate emotional or intellectual free will, this puerile little example you coughed up makes you look rather ignorant, don't you think? And it also kind of makes you look like a pervy little turtle fucker.

What's more, Mr. Cornyn, the current state of marriage mandates that "you must raise your children up in a world where the whimsical union of Britney Spears and some random childhood friend is on the same legal footing as man and wife." Which is more demeaning to the so-called sacred institution of marriage: ludicrously hypothetical man-and-box-turtle marriage or wholly legal and legitimate 55-hour heterosexual sham marriage?

And since -- deep in your cold, black heart -- you probably already know the answer to that question, where is the legislation you're writing that ensures impulsive marriages like Britney's don't continue to threaten and cheapen the already shaky institution of marriage? In fact, every real and measurable threat to the institution of marriage comes solely from heterosexuals, who are the only people currently allowed to marry. And these threats are both legion and caustically destructive: divorce, adultery, annulment, premarital sex, spouse abuse and the unquenchable demand for abortion that continues to polarize our nation.

Where is your legislation that criminalizes these actions as they relate to marriage?

Where is your sense of decency?

Where is your soul?

10 comments:

Will said...

They have neither, Jake. I noticed here in Massachusetts that our homophobe of a governor was forced to admit recently that the implementation of gay marriage here hadn't destroyed his marriage or any other marriages, hadn't caused chaos as he had predicted, hadn't led to marriages including bestiality or polygamy (as if a Mormon has any right warning about THAT!), etc. Their last resort is that gay marriage will hurt children--but if you scratch that arguement even just a little bit, they can't really tell you how.

They're bankrupt every way but financially, the bigoted, despicable lot of them

Homer said...

I called Cornyn's office in DC today- the girl-intern claimed to know nothing about the box turtle. According to Andrew Sullivan's website, the text was in Cornyn's prepared speech, but he chose not to read those sentences out loud. He needs to fire someone.

RcktMan Rick said...

I can stand to be compared to some things, but a box turtle? Who the hell thought that one up??? Unbelievable. Next they'll compare us to maggots (hey rhymes with faggots, why not?)... might as well make us out to be the lowest form of life there is. Damned Republicans.

Gavin said...

I love my box-turtle! :)

Although, seriously, Jake coalesces a few thoughts that I have entertained for some time. Nicely written, spirited and direct. We should all take a leaf from this and confront all who oppose the equalisation of marriage rights around the world.

As for Senator Rick Santorum, Ontario and British Columbia, jurisdictions inside of America's neighbour, have legalised same-sex marriage and equalised marriage rights easily and successfully. Other such jurisdictions include the Netherlands and Switzerland. These are clearly parts of society, or would you prefer to perpetuate your own ignorance and belief that the United States of America somehow exists outside of the world and the human race?

Jake, thank you.

Anonymous said...

I heard a commentator on NPR yesterday relate the struggles of Martin Luther King and the Women's Rights movements to the people who are currently trying to ban gay marriage. He said that as with the previous movements, this one needs to start somewhere and ground work is being laid in trying to pass a ban even though it problaby won't go through. And, after I was able to wrap my mind around the cognitive dissonance of that statement, I vomited all over my radio.

These Republican senators don't understand that gay rights are a civil rights movement akin to the struggles against segregation and for the stuggles for women's rights. They don't understand that every time a civil rights issue comes up in American politics, it wins. The country grows more inclusive over time. Think of those Republican senators as whiny babies, railing against the change that even they know is inevitable. They're just trying to slow it down. And I want to punch them all. Hard.

In lieu of that, I take comfort in www.spreadingsantorum.com. Nothing like taking a bigoted, outspoken senator and using his name to label a previously nameless byproduct of anal sex.

serenaluchang
ennui.motime.com

Flip X said...

That Santorum, always getting into sticky situations...tsk, tsk. ;oD

It might've been 55 hours, but apparently BritBrit was quite the traditionalist.

Random, off-topic comments rock. lol

Anonymous said...

It's even more like the civil rights movement because people argued that an apocalyptic breakdown of society would happen if a white person could ever legally marry a black person. Turns out that was false; let's bankrupt this new theory as well already.

I was at an extended family party a few weeks ago, and sure enough my distant cousins and uncles all started going off on gay marriages. I had to bite my tongue to yell out that 40% of the people at the table had had a divorce; two have had more than one. And that's still below the national average. "Bedrock of Civilization" indeed....

Konczal

Sven said...

i wonder if britney spears knew that her quickie marriage was gonna be used as an example in pro-homo marriage as much as it has been. poor girl. and now she is engaged again.

OnlyInTheSouthEnd said...

Gavin ... you left out Quebec! You aren't an anti-separatist are you? Now that the Liberals have another few years leading the government up north, all of Canada might allow gay marriages soon enough. Maybe I should have just stayed up there after graduating university, though I could get married right now if only I had a boyfriend.

Anonymous said...

i saw the box turtle comment on the daily show on comedy central. they then put up a universal symbol (like on rest room doors) of a man fucking a turtle. priceless!

great post by the way!

billy