Friday, July 15, 2011

Lists of things

Things I found while packing for an office move
1. A box of teabags that expired before I started working here five years ago.
2. Enough dust to knit a cowl-knit sweater.
3. My diploma from corporate-non-sexual-harassment training class. Which obviously didn’t take because I totally think you have a great rack.

Things I have done so far this summer
1. Spent a long weekend with six buddies on a private estate in upstate New York.
2. Started taking tap classes with a woman I picked up on an airplane.
3. Danced mostly naked on a Big Boy float (complete with insanely hot muscleboys in matching trunks, a corporate sponsorship, a decorating theme and an on-board deejay) in the Chicago pride parade.

Things that are apparently unavoidable
1. My trainer will tell me “watch your head” when I lean back on the decline bench press.
2. I will get more tattoos. And I’ll stop telling myself I can only get one for each marathon I finish.
3. The sink on the right in our office bathroom will always be out of hand soap.

Things that are hard to process
1. My little sister is now 40.
2. Michele Bachmann has a following.
3. People are finding value in Google+.

Things I have recently given up
1. Running marathons. All running, actually.
2. Writing blog posts, apparently. Except about once every few months.
3. All soda. But I fell off the wagon (or got back on, however the expression goes) within a month.

Things I put in my mouth every morning
1. Three medications for my growing litany of old-man maladies.
2. Three eggs scrambled with cheese and wheat toast with no-cholesterol butter and jelly.
3. My Jack3d pre-workout energy shake.

Things about me that are just not true
1. I was the first black Miss America.
2. I killed a man with my bare hands because he kept pronouncing it “fustrated.”
3. I am responsible for the destruction of marriage in the United States.


Anonymous said...


I've missed your posts. Thanks for throwing us a, er, bone. :)

Jeffrey C said...

We'll settle for monthly posts if they are as amusing as this one.

Mrs. Chili said...

Things I love about you:
1. Your keen sense of observation
2. Your capacity to find the funny in almost anything
2. Your utter refusal to be quantified
4. Your willingness to call bullshit when you see it

Cody said...

Sounds like you're having fun this summer (except for work related issues.) Any photos of the Pride parade?

Anonymous said...

I loved the first statement of your last category. Three reasons why:

1. I'm a big Vanessa Williams fan.
2. I was working in Iowa (at the Old Creamery Theatre) when I heard the news of her resignation (abdication?).
3. It reminded me that the first black contestant in the Miss America pageant (sometime in the late 1960s or early 1970s) was Miss Iowa. (I don't remember her name or anything else about her -- but that was a pretty big deal at the time.)

I know that it wasn't you, because you're way too young to have been Miss Iowa in 1970. And a teensy bit too white.

Dave Miller said...

I heard you killed the guy, just to watch him die.

Anonymous said...

The most useful thing I learned at my corporate sexual harassment training? That you get one free grope on everyone you work with - because apparently once can be an accident, but twice shows intent. ;)

Most interesting thing I learned the same day? That up until 1981, it was still legal for my boss to ask me to have sex with him, it just wasn't legal for him (her) to fire me if I said no.

Anonymous said...

For your next post, how about something related to travel as a partner in a gay couple. There was an article in the NY Times and follow up letters about the check in dance many gay couples have to do go get a room with one king size bed. How has this worked for the DP and you? Do you often end up in rooms with two double beds or are you upgraded because the clerk is also gay? I'd love to hear your spin on the topic!

Dan said...

I do believe you owe us an August post!! Wake up, sleepy head. :)

Jamie Kane said...

Come on Jake! I miss your special brand of humor and perspective. You've got fans - let us hear from you.