I am squatting rather indecorously in my driveway as I type this in preparation for my second three-mile run in three weeks

That’s why the curvy venty thingie behind me seems so far above my head. Or I’m just not wearing my 4 1/4" Balenciaga stilettos. WHICH IS IT?

Fun fact: The muscles on the insides of your legs—the very ones I’m stretching as I awkwardly type this—that pull your legs toward your body are collectively called adductors. The muscles on the outsides of your legs that pull them away from your body are collectively called abductors. ADDuctors ADD your legs to your body; ABductors ABDUCT your legs from your body.

There. Now that’s something you know. You can also infer—though I’m really not in any way implying this—that my running posse isn’t able to join me today so I have nobody holding me accountable to start my three-mile run, which technically started 54 minutes ago.

Let me tell you about that time I sat and watched paint dry ...