Another day at the mall.

Mom, the sister, the kids and I hit the sprawling Coral Ridge Mall today to redeem gift cards, take advantage of after-Christmas sales, entertain the kids and mock Midwestern hairstyles. And I came to the realization that, aside from a new dining room table, there's really nothing else in the world I need to buy.

Except a baseball cap with ear flaps on clearance at The Gap. Just $3.99.

Tonight we continue Conspicuous Consumption Tour 2003 at our friendly neighborhood Outback Steakhouse, where a big poochy tummy and a flabby white ass wait excitedly to come home with me.

In the mean time, you get to hear how cute the niece is. She's just two -- and just learning to say meaningful words. She's taken to calling me "Uppa Jake," and she likes it when I swing her "uppa down."

I know. Isn't she just brilliant? Couldn't you just die?