So what's this stuff in my hair?

What total dumbass would absent-mindedly rub hair pomade not in his hair but all over the Frankenstein scar from his summer mole excision in the morning and leave his wound covered in a thin sheen of goo that won’t wash off all day? (Though it leaves his wrist hair delightfully shiny and manageable.)

Donald Trump?

No. But that’s a highly plausible, highly informed guess. Five points for you!

It is actually I, your surgery-scarred, shiny-wrist-haired, correct-pronoun-using protagonist. And “protagonist” is an Old Norwegian (as in Jake, the Old Norwegian) word for “dumbass.”

I have more Extra Strength Tylenol in me than is probably healthy for my kidneys and liver

and my lingering deep headache makes me afraid to lie down for fear the pain will recalibrate its spatial orientation and intensify all over again, but I survived my first visit with a hot shower and a bottle of shampoo and I managed to keep my hair on point with only a fraction of product on only a fraction of my not-throbbing scalp, so I’m still a big boy.

I AM A PILLAR OF MY COMMUNITY

Also: I am a master at nimble, melodious wordplay because THAT’S A PILLAR RIGHT BEHIND ME.

Also: GET IT?

Also: Because IT’S A PILLAR. And IT’S IN OUR SHOW. And OUR SHOW IS A COMMUNITY. And I’M AT ONE WITH THE PILLAR.

Also: My Edwardian-English-lord-and-gentleman-who’s-also-sometimes-a-suspicious-roustabout-so-watch-your-wallets hair part is SEVERE and RIGHT ON POINT and CEMENTED AND LACQUERED IN PLACE BY THREE DIFFERENT HAIR PRODUCTS PLUS SOME PLUCKY DETERMINATION SO IT’S GONNA LOOK THIS WAY UNTIL THE MIDTERMS.

Also: WHICH WILL BE AS AWASH IN GORGEOUS BLUE AS THIS PILLAR. Because OUR COMMUNITY DEPENDS ON IT.

Also: I hadn’t planned on bringing this beyond-weird Facebook post full-circle, but here we are.

How to make congealed product snot. And prevent blemishes for free!

1. I didn't know hair-product containers could melt into deformed shapes in your Dopp kit in your gym bag in your hot car.
2. Only gay men say "product."
3. Only gay men and men over 70 say "Dopp kit."
4. I now know that hair-product containers that melt in your Dopp kit in your gym bag in your hot car leak melty hair product all over everything in your Dopp kit.
5. Then it congeals into snot-like grossness.
6. Product.
7. Dopp kit.
8. Also: When someone leaves his or her (we have private showers at my gym) (or do we?) (I'll never tell) blemish control apricot scrub in the gym shower, I'm going to spend my day without the heartbreak of blemishes.
9. But my toothbrush is still gonna taste like congealed product snot.
10. Dopp kit!