3 days till #Hallowmeme!

One of the most emotionally freeing things I’ve ever done

is allowing myself to stop worrying that I have the lids matched with their original color-coordinated shaker bottles every morning when I pack for the gym.

Not the Superman and Batman shaker bottles, though. I’m not a monster.

#BitchKittyCode

Step 1. Display soft tummy to the fully-conditioned-to-be-apprehensive Jake Monster in the most inviting, eminently pettable way that is catly possible

Step 2. Endure the inhumane humiliation and (let’s be frank) abject horror of having tummy tentatively rubbed 5.3 times by the fearsome, repulsive Jake Monster

Step 3. Hiss and swat at the Jake Monster’s fully-conditioned-to-pull-away-in-what-is-no-longer-alarm hand

Step 4. Retreat to the Prison Of Both Your Own Psychopathy And Vintage Ethan Allen Duxbury Dining Room Set

Step 5. Center self perfectly under the end vintage-Ethan-Allen-Duxbury-dining-room-set chair and glare threateningly but unwillingly adorably at the fearsome, repulsive Jake Monster’s iPhone camera to be mocked humiliatingly but uncontainably in a surprisingly well-composed photo on social media.

No—YOU explain it