Wednesday, September 29, 2004

The wisdom of the bleachers

Last week, a bunch of people in my office had an after-work drinking binge get-together at a bar down the street. Apparently, they spent a lot of money on liquor, because the bar's owner offered to buy everyone there tickets to today's Cubs game.

Of course, they accepted. And of course, there were last-minute cancelations. And of course, I volunteered to snatch up one of the leftover tickets.

So I spent this afternoon in steerage the left field bleacher seats amid a sea of assholes raucous, drunken fans enjoying a Cubs game roasting in the oppressive heat in the warming glow of the autumn sun. I'd never sat in the bleachers before, and I have to say that the screaming, alcoholic morons fans who sit there are the most loud, obnoxious, juvenile and borderline retarded enthusiastic people I've ever watched a Cubs game with.

And two of them, sitting all shirtless and tattooed and festooned with peanuts dangling from their ears and nipples a row in front of us and about 10 people to our left, were kind of hot in a "the bar's closing in 15 minutes so I guess you'll do" kind of way.

These people -- even before they're drunk -- will yell anything that occurs to them at anyone who happens to be in their line of blurred vision. And whether they're clever or not, they'll often seek congratulations for their outbursts with self-aware guffaws accompanied by the international gesture for "Dude, I'm holding my hand in the air for you to slap it palm-to-palm in a gesture of pathologically unsocialized solidarity. So gimme five!"

Here is a small sampling of the things I learned from these people today:

These seats rock.
These seats suck.
That girl has a nice rack.
Dude, that's my beer.
(Cincinnati Reds Left Fielder Adam) Dunn sucks.
(Cincinnati Reds Left Fielder Adam) Dunn, you suck.
(Chicago Cubs Left Fielder Moises) Alou rocks.
(Chicago Cubs Left Fielder Moises) Alou! Over here! Wave at me!
Right field sucks.
(Unofficial Cubs Troubadour) Ronnie Woo Woo rocks.
(Cincinnati Reds Left Fielder Adam) Dunn sucks.
(Cincinnati Reds Left Fielder Adam) Dunn has herpes.
(Cincinnati Reds Left Fielder Adam) Dunn has a big butt.
Dude, you're scaring me.
Jesus, this game is taking forever.
Eleven fucking innings. And the score is still just 2-2.
You suck.
No, YOU suck.
No, YOU suck.
Asshole.

8 comments:

Me said...

officially one of the funniest things I've ever read. You captured the moment...lol.

R said...

And that's why God sometimes takes one out with a well-aimed pop fly.

RcktMan Rick said...

Brill - E - Ant. It's so true. I witnessed my first bleachers game a month ago. It just so happened to be 70's Night. (come to think of it, why the hell didn't I blog about that? Anyway..) And I heard some of the most typical asinine straighttalk I've heard in my life.

And the Cubs lost that game, too. Jerks.

Joel said...

Great. Just triggered my PTBD: post-traumatic bleacher disorder. Where's my Will & Grace DVDs....

iPhil said...

Uhuh...

I always assumed the "bleachers" was just another word for seats, at a baseball (we're talking about a baseball game, right?) game. So, where else is there to sit, usually?

Also - the only live, professional sporting event I have ever attended was the final of some Rugby tournament, where everyone is very civilised.

iPhil

Jake said...

Bleachers -- at least at a Cubs (baseball) game -- are the ultra-cheap seats beyond the outfield. They require a separate entrance, and they aren't reserved -- so they impart a bit of a free-for-all ambience from the get-go.

And, at least at Wrigley Field, they really are bleacher seats -- as opposed to the individual chairs used in the more expensive seating areas.

palochi said...

And then the "shirtless and tattooed and festooned with peanuts dangling from their ears and nipples a row in front of us and about 10 people to our left, who were kind of hot in a 'the bar's closing in 15 minutes so I guess you'll do' kind of way" guys went home together and made sweet, sweet love to each other.

Hot #1: "Dude, you suck!"
Hot #2: "Riiiiiight. And your point is?"

[rest of story deleted by poster due to NoFo PG rating]

Da end.

You do realize that's why they serve alcohol at these things?

David said...

You have got to be kidding! Sounds like pure HELL. Jake, I never thought you would do this. WHY would you put yourself through a wretched experience like that? Is Ronnie Woo-Hoo retarded?