1. Running makes you uncomfortable and ugly. Your nipples get chafed, your butthole gets kinda pokey-outey, and your skin gets as pink and flushed as an Easter ham. That's how you know it's good for you.
2. When you run a lot, you go through clean underwear and clean socks faster than Rush Limbaugh goes through wives.
3. If you have even the slightest doubt that your jiggly bod doesn't look good running in those shorty-shorts or that scoopy-neck tank top, you're probably right.
4. "Runner's high" is something real. Unfortunately, you have to slog 597 miles through Runner's Sweaty Buttcrack and Runner's Throbbing Lumbar Region to get there.
5. Pedestrians are morons. If they can find a way to look one way and walk another as they wander directly into runners, bikers, bladers and/or drivers, they will. Sometimes they get hurt. This is called "thinning the herd."
6. Some people run funny. If you laugh at them you can fuck up your pace.
7. Well-fitting, low-mileage shoes are essential for an enjoyable running experience. Almost as essential as underwear that doesn't creep up your ass.
8. Even if you only kind of feel like you have to poop before you run, make sure you do so.
9. Most energy bars make you gassy.
10. It's hard to fart quietly when you run.