Thursday, December 29, 2016

Headwound World

I'm back at work after my whirlwind vacation at Headwound World. I'm wearing my new coat from Mom, my new shirt from me and my old backup glasses, which are embarrassingly eight years out of date and have a bad habit of sliding right off my nose and toppling onto whatever I'm doing. Fortunately, we have yet to encounter this problem in the bathroom.

One caveat: if you are an international supermodel applying to make out with me, please note that my upper right lip -- which I almost completely bit through at Headwound World -- is still rather swollen and quite painful and is preventing me from doing a thorough job of brushing the front of my upper right teeth. Please complete your Jake Make-Out Application Packet as usual but -- if you are approved for the program -- you'll now have to allow up to five minutes beforehand for me to find a mint. We assure you this situation is temporary and we regret any inconvenience this may cause you. Thank you for your consideration.

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