It’s really hard being absolutist about stuff. Well, it’s hard most of the time. For example, I think Sarah Palin and Glenn Beck serve one purpose: giving low-information citizens the emotional permission they’re looking for to stay uneducated, hostile and solipsistic. I loathe Sarah and Glenn and I can barely be civil to their followers who keep giving them a platform to spread their pseudo-intellectual cancer. And I see no gray areas in this matter. Unfortunately, as an absolutist, I see no gray areas in lots of places. For instance! My abandonment of Coke Zero. I enjoyed my last Coke Zero on January 2 (I prefer to start my self-deprivations on Mondays) and while I want to drink another Coke Zero more than I want to choke Sarah Palin with the empty cup, cheating on my resolution is tantamount to quitting it altogether. So I can’t allow myself even a tiny little sip in my withdrawal process.
I am full of gray areas regarding this blog. I clearly don’t write in it much anymore, even though deep down I really want to. But I’ve just grown lazy and complacent about it. And as an absolutist I should just abandon it altogether. But then I’ll be minding my own business at a street fair or a diner or—as was the case this weekend—a lesbian birthday and suddenly a stranger will pop up and start saying nice things to me about my writing and my weird sense of humor and how he or she really, really, really looks forward to my posts and then I think SHIT. Now I have to go write in it again. And I’ll write a few more posts and then I’ll get lazy and then I’ll think I should just shut it down and then another pesky fan will pop up and peskily say nice things about my blog and the cycle peskily starts over. Darn you, pesky fans! Darn you like a sock!
My socks are in a permanent state of wetness. Because it’s snowier here than a girl who lives with seven tiny men in the woods. And I seem to have a highly advanced sense of puddle-dar. Because I keep stepping in calf-deep piles of snow and slush and wetness and then spending the day in wet socks. And the snow here is so deep and so copious that there’s no chance it will be gone any time soon. So I’m now carrying extra socks in my gym bag everywhere I go. And while we’re on the topic of the blizzard, I quickly grew tired last week of predictable little neologisms like snowpocalypse and snowmageddon and snOMG. So I wielded my considerable blogging and Facebooking influence to get everyone to start calling the blizzard Snownadu—which is both an homage to my favorite song ever plus a nod to the fabulous disco-ball effect you get when you cover a city in almost two feet of snow. But Snownadu never took off. Which is a total snowdgedy.
The snow is extra sun-glinty when your eyes are dilated. I went to the eye doctor on Saturday for the first time in probably five years. And I stumbled out an hour later with enormous pupils and an $855 bill for a checkup and ultra-expensive new glasses (because they looked better than the cheap ones and if I’m gonna start wearing glasses post-LASIK I want to look totally badass, or at least slightly handsome). But! Enormous pupils are not the ideal accessory for a sunny day in a city blanketed by a Snownadu (see how easy that is?). So I was forced to wear temporary roll-up sunglasses (because I forgot to pack real sunglasses even though I knew I’d be dilated) in my cab ride (because I didn’t think I should drive—especially in two feet of snow—with dilated pupils) home. Unfortunately, I wasn’t too proud to take a self-portrait. Or too smart to post it on my blog:
Dood. You totally look like Sven Fjord on the mØüntain with those glasses.
Count me as one of those pesky fans. Keep writing.
Hmmm. Your eye doctor passes out better looking temporary sunglasses than mine does. Or maybe you just look better in them. Probably the latter.
I'm not sure Chicago has been that beaten by snow in decades. Ouch.
Hugs and kisses,
A Pesky Fan
Like the stranger at the birthday party, I too look forward to your posts and have your site in my daily links list. Even though you don't write as often, your posts are still entertaining and they are worth the wait.
Thanks for a great blog, Jake.
I just can't get enough of your blog baby!
Keep writing, more frequently! Love you - love your blog.
This pesky fan thinks those sunglasses make you look like one of the more bada** villainous henchmen from the Bond films. Like "From Russia With Love's" Red Grant (Robert Shaw), "Licence to Kill's" Dario (Benecio del Toro), or "A View to a Kill's" May Day (Grace Jones).
Never stop writing and keep those glasses. They are HOT! ;)
It's a very Hugh Jackman Wolverine look you got going.
I need to go buu new glasses, but your $900 price tag just sent me into a state of shock.
I'll chime in too, I love your posts, keep writing!
Although in terms of snow (not that we got nearly as much in Pittsburgh this year), but I've taken to using The Onion's term (since I'm also a monster): Snowlocaust.
well....when i saw you in an italian restaurant tonight as you headed to a play by a tony award winning theater company...i was star struck...and wanted to touch the hem of your pants...or hold your extra socks....
keep up the writing.
domestic partner is hotter in person than in pics, too...hawt!
I've been reading your blog since I came across it back in 2003. I remember, I'd just started a new job and checking to see what you had written was one of my lunch time rituals. Well, two jobs later and I'm still checking in to see what's happing in Chi-Town and what you and the DP are up to. I hope you continue with the blog.
Your Faithful Reader
As pesky as we might be,we do like to read what has happened in YOUR life not ours. Please keep on writing and remember,we all love to here about sarah and glen bashings.
I am a longtime lurker on your blog...please keep writing and please tell me where you got the Pumas in your last post. I. MUST. HAVE. THEM!
Please do not quit blogging - you would leave me a very sad 67 year old. Your blog used to make my day a couple times a week, but I'll settle for once a week - just keep on keeping on Jake!
A very faithful fan...
I've got that same pesky fan problem. I like snowdgedy! We've got 6 to 12 inches on tap for tonight. I am so over this winter! It's insnowanity!
Oh no! Its the terminator!
Keep publishing! You're now on my Droid!
Continue blogging! Your postings are clever & inspirational.
A reader from Paris, France
You should do what you think is right for you. That said I totally love your irrepressible spirit and quirky humor.
Also, you don't need a pair of glasses to be handsome.
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