HOLY SHIT

OK. So I know I’m a wank for leaving my cell phone on the bus. But stuff like that happens. And rarely to me, so I’m allowed the occasional boneheaded oversight. And I was willing to pay mega-full price to get a replacement phone, so it’s not like I’m holding onto some misguided sense of it’s-never-my-fault entitlement.

But holy shit is Verizon being the Dumbest Company Ever about the whole thing. Everyone I’ve talked to on the phone has been more than friendly and helpful. But it seems that unless I’m there to ask them to do some pretty obvious things (“Can you tell me the total cost? Can you give me a tracking code?) they are pretty helpless about accomplishing the basic requirements of their jobs.

Which is why the phone I ordered on Wednesday to be shipped overnight to arrive on Thursday didn’t get entered in their system because they forgot to get a supervisor’s signature on the order. And the phone I re-ordered on Thursday to be shipped overnight to arrive today didn’t get entered in their system … because they forgot to get a supervisor’s signature on the order.

Now, I know that 90% of what a cellular provider promises to consumers is a load of crap: We have a network that won’t drop your calls! We have the lowest rates! Your phone battery will last as long as your contract! We won’t pee on you in your sleep! But how clusterfucky do you have to be to make the same customer-irritating mistake two days in a row? And when I asked if there was some sort of financial penance they were willing to make for being such a mess, they offered to credit my account ten dollars. Ten dollars! I’m willing to commit to a new two-year contract and buy a phone for $150 that they sell to new customers for $30, they fuck up the transaction the same way two days in a row, and they can’t thank me for my business and my patience and my understanding for any more than ten dollars? I could barely summon the motivation to kick Mit Romney in the face for ten dollars. (OK, I’d totally kick him in the face for free, but I won’t accompany it with any cool hiiiii-YAH! sounds for under five bucks.)

It’s enough to make me leave Verizon for good. Unfortunately, they have by far the most reliable service. And we’ve tried them all.

On the plus side, it’s given me an excuse to email everyone whose number I’ll need on the off chance my new phone ever arrives. So I’ve reconnected with a bunch of people I hadn’t talked to in a while. And it’s given me something to blog about in what would otherwise have been a slow blog topic week. And I won’t be so busy gabbing with friends this weekend that we might actually get the living room painted.

And if I only had a cell phone with a camera in it, I could maybe take a picture and show you.