Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Cheveux!

A couple weekends ago, I woke up late and had to run to a chorus dance rehearsal, so I brushed my teeth (there’s always time to brush your teeth), threw on something that didn’t smell too bad and reported for duty—without doing my usual glop-of-goo thing that makes my hair stand on end as though in terror from seeing Tom DeLay naked.

And, for the first time in as long as I can remember, I got compliments on my hair. TONS of compliments.

So I went bareback without goo to work that Monday—and from the favorable attention my new ’do got, you’d think I’d just won a Nobel Prize or knocked up Britney or pushed the pope down the stairs or something. I was suddenly the belle of the ball (assuming, that is, by “belle” I mean “guy too lazy to comb his own damn hair” and by “ball” I mean “cube farm place of employment”).

So I stopped using the goo entirely. And after three weeks, I’m STILL getting compliments from people. How come none of you bitches told me my hair looked so bad?

Anyway, I’ve been too lazy busy to take a picture of my new free-n-easy coiffure, so I’m showing you bitches some before-and-after photos using “after” mugshots that were taken late last December when—for reasons so private and personal I would never talk about them on my blog—I hadn’t used any goo either.

Notice the dramatic difference in this first set. My relaxed hair transforms my countenance and softens my features to the point it even makes my shirt look plaid:
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And notice how in this set my new, un-fussed-over hair transforms me from total geek to debonair lady-killer stud:
Image hosted by Photobucket.com

It’s especially fortuitous that I got this new look when I did; I go in at the end of this week for my new driver’s license photo, and I’d hate to carry photographic proof that I’m a trend whore hair pig dork in my wallet for the next five years. Three years ago, I got my passport photo taken on a fat-cheeks day, and now I’m stuck showing THAT monstrosity to customs agents around the world for the next seven years. How come none of you bitches told me my cheeks looked so fat?

9 comments:

Spider said...

Awwwww - come on Jake, tell us about the pics - it can't be THAT personal and private... and if it is then we REALLY want to know...

J. said...

I think 'mos are just inclined to accessorize everything. If we don't have something gooey in a smart looking package to put in our hair then we really haven't made it in the world; socially speaking.

And I was afraid to say something about your fat cheeks in fear that it would spark 10 years of insecurity resulting in surgical alteration. Besides, your cheeks really aren't that fat.

Homer said...

I was too worried about world peace and Social Insecurity to mention the fat cheeks.

palochi said...

I wasn't gonna say anything about the cheeks. I thought maybe you were storing walnuts for the winter. Or something. :-)

(sheesh... obsess over your bad mugging for the camera instead, will ya?)

As for the hair, it's sorta like why some straight guys are so hot. Specifically, the one's who don't fuss and muss. Something about that simplicity and I-don't-give-a-fuck-ness is sorta primal and attractive.

Not that I'm saying you look straight now, of course.

obliquity said...

Let's face it Jake, you'd look hot bald. Though it is interesting to note that the relaxed hair seems to change your demeanor (at least photographically). As for your cheeks, I was under the impression bubble cheeks were all the rage. Oh, wait, I just realized you meant your face. Nevermind.

Christopher said...

Wow! It looks great! And makes you look so much younger! At least 35! ;)

You know I think us gayers are definitely starting a trend. Straight boys are grooming it up. Gay boys are keeping it real. Word.

Jhuny said...

Nice work. Product is just trying too hard. Now try growing your hair past regulation length so you can toss it around whilst dancing on podiums. Now THAT is Gay 2005.

Andy said...

there's only one set of cheeks that matter...

David said...

Jesus Jake, how the fuck could you NOT know that? Chipmonk boy ;)