Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Position available: Boyfriend

Primary responsibility: Applying and removing band-aids to/from the middle of my back every morning for the next two weeks.

Secondary responsibilities: Not laughing at the patch of bald skin on my thigh that I shaved so the band-aids won’t hurt so damn much when I pull them off every morning.

Required skills: Proficiency at band-aid application and removal in otherwise unreachable locations, a marked lack of squeamishness regarding stitched-up biopsy wounds (which seem to have stopped oozing by now), not hogging all the ibuprofen.

Compensation: Negotiable. Band-aids and polysporin provided by employer. Romantic boyfriend activities (including wild monkeysex, where applicable) available upon request.

16 comments:

palochi said...

Yeah. They'll be kickin' down your door to respond to this one. :-)

Spider said...

OK - where do I get an application?

Todd said...

If only my boyfriend didn't frown on my dating other guys....

iPhil said...

"Monkeysex"? Since when does that count as "romantic"? Sexual and romantic mores in America must have changed since the latest TV shows got over to the UK.

Speaking of which - has anyone seen Arrested Development? Soooo funny. Je crois.

iPhil

Sven said...

so thats what you were doing Monday night at Sidetrack. i thought i saw you passing out some sheet of paper....

obliquity said...

Despite my refined upbringing, I'd volunteer to put band-aids on any part of your body. Should further first-aid, mouth-to-_____ or other advanced life saving measures be required, I'd be so inclined.

Not that I'm easy or anything.

Jere said...

Is the position available only for Chicago area residents? If the job could be relocated to NYC, even temporarily, I would apply. I'm a good temp.

trey said...

You're too funny! Thanks for a laugh and a lift at the end of a crazy day. You were kidding? Right?

Michael Guy said...

Your opportunity could support a career switch; nursing is a profession where people truly make the difference. Maybe. Hold on--I gotta' ask my BF if this is all okay. Are sponge baths required? Sponges are on sale at CVS this week...

susan said...

Not to be nosy but what happened to the cuddler. Okay yes I want to be nosy. What happened to the cuddly guy?

Todd said...

O.K. I have never "applied" for a job let alone a position, but, this, has me interested.

Your qualifications as my employer: make sure the car is takin in to be washed and detailed each week.

All laundry and dry cleaning must be sent out by Friday evening as we will need it the next week.

Let me pat your head and give you sweet kisses. Guys like you deserve that.

vanguard said...

OK...seriously, Jake. Amateurs. All of them. My bedside manner is thus far unsurpassed. And I've got a ton of references to prove it.

RcktMan Rick said...

Who needs a boyfriend? Just get some hunky studly nurse type to do that for you. The monkeysex could just be bonus.

Alina said...

Sorry, I’m definitely not good for this position. There’s this small thing…I’m a girl. But I’ll try to promote you to whoever is interesting. I have this feeling it will be easier to market you and try to find you a BF than trying to find one for my own!:) Or I could ask my brilliant boss to help me because he told me once he could market anything – I’m sure this includes “anyone”!

Andy said...

I ruptured my right bicep early last month necessitating an emergency operation and placing my arm in various combinations of sling, cast, and now robocop-type brace for the next 6 weeks.

Funny thing is 3 days after I hurt myself, I somehow acquired a young (25), hunky (ex-marine) bf, who just happens to be a paramedic, and who just just loves to play doctor ("Let's change your bandages again!") in between wild monkeysex sessions. When he brought me home from the surgery in his ambulance, he even let me sit up front and play with the siren! It just doesn't get any better than that.

My fear, though, is that in early May, once my injury is healed, his devotion and passion will cool and he will move on as the good ones almost always inevitably do.

But if you can hold out until early May, I'll put in a good word for you.

Derek said...

You lost me at "Stiched up biopsy wounds" *faints*