Friday, March 04, 2005

I farted in Paris!

Toward the end of a VERY bumpy plane ride with many, MANY delays, I felt the need to ... um ... relieve some gassy bloating, as people less tacky than I might put it. Not wanting to offend my fellow passengers on the No Supermodels Express, I demurely waited until we´d deplaned so I could kick off our layover by polluting the heretofore pristine Parisian atmosphere.

And how was I rewarded for my courtesy? With a big fat pile of LOST LUGGAGE, that´s how. Somewhere between endless delays and missed connections and a late arrival in Barcelona Madrid, my luggage took a detour and ended up ... in Wahoo, Nebraska, for all I know.

On the plus side: No hauling of heavy baggage (at least not physical baggage) for Jake.

On the other plus side: I got a free overnight kit from Air France that includes a cheap T-shirt, an even cheaper washcloth, a mountain of toiletries and even a CONDOM. We´re definitely not in the United Theocracy of America anymore.

On yet another plus side: I always plan for such events by packing a day´s worth of clothes in my carry-on, so I´m not at a loss for clean underwear. Yet.

Luggage woes notwithstanding, Barcelona Madrid is just as beautiful and urbane and charming as I´d hoped. Our trendy boutique hotel is right in the heart of some hipster neighborhood that´s packed with funky clothing and shoe shops (shoe shops!), and after making two shopping rounds I´ve already come home with a kick-ass Eurotrash fashion-victim shirt (which is doubling as a coat until the Air France coughs up my real coat from deep within its Bowels of Lost Luggage) and I´ve almost bought two pair of totally funky, totally trendy, totally green, TOTALLY NOT ME shoes. The first pair wasn´t available anywhere near my size, and the second pair was one European size too big -- but I´m still salivating over both of them. I may visit them again tomorrow to see if the size fairy came during the night.

In the mean time, I seem to be managing the jet lag thing pretty well, and the four of us are getting along famously. I do have issues with the bathroom in our hotel, though; it´s separated from the sleeping room by a huge glass wall that´s frosted in most places -- but not frosted enough to give you ANY privacy when you´re trying to poop. Honestly, it´s set up so you´re forced to poop in full peek-a-boo view of the only chair in the room. Which is totally uncool. But the hotel makes up for that gross design contretemps with a made-for-porn six-nozzle shower that gives better rim jobs than most porn stars. And free access to the Internets. In fact, I´m typing this post on a lightning-fast computer (with a European keyboard that is so different from my American keyboard that I wonder if things like hyphens and strikethroughs will even read on American screens) in the freaking COOLEST old exposed-brick, flying-buttressed basement in the history of European architectural charm.

But my traveling companions just appeared and are demanding food, so I must cut this endless engrossing post short.

Off to the restaurants -- and maybe Air France-subsidized clothes shopping! Stay tuned for more fascinating details of Jake´s Rainbow Tour!

6 comments:

Christopher said...

FYI - well not FYI, cause you know now - but Air France is notorious for losing luggage. Le bastards have lost mine twice in the past. Although they did serve free champagne in coach, so I guess it was a small price to pay (and a valid excuse to buy more clothes.)

Oooh! You know most travel insurance covers you for having to buy new clothes as a result of lost or delayed luggage? Score!

trey said...

They don't call it Air Chance for nothing. Good insurance tip from Christopher. Last year's lost baggage on Barcelona trip--and I really do mean Barcelona--allowed me to buy $200 of Euro-trash clothes. More than paid for the policy and I feel extra cool every time I wear the shirts and underwear. Passed on the green shoes, though.

Thanks for keeping the blog going while on the trip. Now I can at least vacation vicariously. Interested to read about Madrid. Only changed planes there. The city's got to be more fun than the airport!

Mawes said...

Jake in Europe! With farts!

Todd said...

Underwear is overrated. Especially on weekends.

obliquity said...

I totally think you should do the green shoes.

portuguesa nova said...

I've never lost my luggage in a place where there are good clothes to be bought. Have a great time in Paris.