Gay in Paree!

So we made it safely to Paris on Monday with no flight delays and no lost luggage. (Le woo-hoo!)

Though our shabby chic hotel here is DEFINITELY not the high-tech dreamland we had in Madrid -- no free access to the Internets, no shoe stores just outside the front door and NO Barbie Dream Shower with Porno-Action Massage Nozzles. Then again, WE'RE IN FREAKIN' PARIS, so I'm in no mood to complain. In fact, I'm in the mood to shout Le Woo-Hoo! (even though I did step in le poo -- which is EVERYWHERE -- our first night here) and then move to Paris ... just as soon as I graduate from zygote to fetus level in my linguistic skills.

Acutally, my only regret on this trip is that I didn't work harder at learning French (motto: There is no such thing as too many final letterseauxlle). Where I felt like I had a fighting chance in any conversation I encountered in Spain, I feel like the village idioteauxlle every time I see a sign or have a shopkeeper ask me something simple like hello? I have, however, mastered the art of greeting people with the traditional sing-song bonjour! (and I've even learned when it's time to switch over to bonsoir!) -- and my skill at imitating accents has apparently fooled a few of the le dumber natives into believing I can actually speak to them beyond the ontological level.

The Parisians (motto: Watch us make out in front of you!) have even been VERY friendly and extremely accommodating when we've revealed ourselves to be linguistic retards tourists. Though I'm appalled at how much they smoke. They smoke when they cook, they smoke when they operate heavy construction machinery -- I think I even saw a baby take a nursing break on the train this morning so he could draw a lungful. I can't be sure, though -- it was kinda smoky.

Clouds of carcinogens aside, Paris is GORGEOUS (though it's on the cold side of cold) and just oozing with all the Olde Worlde Charme I coulde have everre hoped fore. And the food here! OH MY GOD the food here! I've eaten nothing but desserts for the last week. And then I washed them down with pastries. Fortunately, my internal clock is still in a state of confusion so it doesn't know when to start punishing me for eating carbs after 5:00.

I haven't bought much beyond food and three pair of shoes, but I did stop by a grocery store and buy two bottles of Fa (motto: The Suave of Europe!) body soap -- because nothing says I'm too cheap to buy REAL souvenirs like a couple bottles of inexpensive soap with French writing.

So far I've made only three purchases I regret: two pair of red underwear that proved to be too small when I finally tried them on back at the hotel (damn European sizes -- or, more accurately, damn small-balled Frenchmen) and a late-night jaunt with Matt to one of Madrid's famed gay saunas -- which proved to be WAY farther away than we'd anticipated and WAY grosser and more disappointing than we'd been led to believe. Grand total in wasted Euros: 15 (multiplied by about 1.3 = too much math for me but the approximate cost in dollars).

Anyway, I'm running out of le time at this Internets cafe (and I'm running out of patience with this French keyboard), so I'll close. Just think: I'm off to bed IN PARIS while most of you are still at work.

Le bye for now!