Friday, March 25, 2005

How to score guys online*

Guy #1: You’re hot.
(Guy #1 if he’s a moron: Your hot.)

Guy #2: Thanks. You too.
(Guy #2 if he’s a lazy fuck: Tks – U2)

Guy #1: We should hook up sometime.

Guy #2: Yeah. That would be hot.

Guy #1: Yeah.

*Do not deviate from this script—unless it’s to ask for more pictures, which you are obligated to deem “hot” in the event some are emailed to you. Do not read any profiles; instead, simply ask “into?” and force the other parties to restate the sexual preferences they’ve already clearly spelled out in their profiles. Do not let this conversation develop any faster than one post every five minutes. Do not attempt this conversation with anyone who lives closer than 500 miles from you. In the event one party attempts to take this conversation any farther, do not respond for three hours, then send an apologetic email (optional) explaining that your phone rang and/or your computer crashed and/or your parents caught on fire. Do not acknowledge each other the next time you’re both online, unless it’s to repeat this conversation and ask for more pictures. Do not hook up.

11 comments:

Spider said...

So - YOU are the guy in Chicago I have been trying to hook up with...

jamesdamian said...

What a dead on observation. I am definitely using the "my parents caught on fire" line.

Peter said...

You forgot about the part where the other guy demands - DEMANDS!!! - that you provide "A/S/L". What a crock.

Christopher said...

Hey! Sorry for not commenting earlier. My cat caught on fire. It was hot!

Andy said...

I usually just type "Oh no! My carrot cake!" and close the window.

Erik said...

thats so hot

portuguesa nova said...

"Well son, that's an interesting question. Your daddy and I met in a chat room, so we can't exactly call it love at first 'sight'...but..."

R said...

Hey - to be fair, sometimes my parents *are* burning.

Todd said...

Hot post Jakey, very hot...

Jeff said...

"A/S/L"? You mean there are guys who get off on American Sign Language? How bizarre.

Of course, if one's parents are on fire, then you could really weird him out by following with, "Must find marshmallows!"

Kevdogg said...

Seriously, I want to cut and paste this as my chat profile. What you forgot is how agitated people get when you tell them to read your profile and they respond with, "sorry, if I knew you'd be a dick about it, I wouldn't have asked." OR "Why don't you just answer my question?" Men are asses. Horny men are even bigger asses.