Sunday, October 20, 2019
Look at this pretty tree!
We’re priming and painting one side of my sister’s house every fall.
I’m doing prime work and one hell of a job. One is a prime number. Or at least it should be.
You do the math.
You do the math.
Saturday, October 19, 2019
Our first concert with our Orchestra Iowa season tickets!
I haven’t had a car payment in 15 years. BUT I DO NOW!
The transmission in my trusty silver 2004 Kia Spectra started feeling a bit iffy this week. And the rust spots over the rear tires were growing so big they’d been issued their own ZIP code.
So my sister—my sweet, sweet sister who turns into a take-no-prisoners pit bull when she buys a car—and I headed out this morning JUST TO LOOK at cars ... and five hours later I came home with a shiny new MEGA HIGH TECH black 2020 Kia Forte.
TWENTY. TWENTY. My car is so shiny and new it hasn’t even been built yet.
AND!
Once the car was all mine and I started it and turned on my shiny new SXM Broadway channel to accompany my first official drive in my shiny new car, SXM WAS PLAYING XANADU, which as we all know is the best show ever.
IT. WAS. ALL. FORETOLD.
So my sister—my sweet, sweet sister who turns into a take-no-prisoners pit bull when she buys a car—and I headed out this morning JUST TO LOOK at cars ... and five hours later I came home with a shiny new MEGA HIGH TECH black 2020 Kia Forte.
AND!
Once the car was all mine and I started it and turned on my shiny new SXM Broadway channel to accompany my first official drive in my shiny new car, SXM WAS PLAYING XANADU, which as we all know is the best show ever.
Friday, October 18, 2019
I am 10 months pop-free today
Granted, I’m not over the ambrosial fizziness of bubbly beverages so I’m now living with a three-can-a-day addiction to sparkling water—which is the quién-es-más-macho equivalent of saying I’m living with a three-rainbow-a-day addiction to majestic unicorns—but I’ve successfully broken free from the bonds of pop’s unpronounceable-chemicals elixir soup. And for that I toast myself with my first icy cold can of cherry bubly for the day. ¡Salud! I mean ¡Princess Sparklepony Unicorn!
Tuesday, October 15, 2019
Live-blogging the debates
Kamala: I feel like you’re getting even less.
Joe: You stutter and stammer like you’ve spent all of seven seconds preparing for this debate.
Beto: You’re still here?
Elizabeth: I normally love you but you seem a little stabby toward people tonight. It’s beneath you.
Andrew: Decriminalize opioids? I think that’s going to require a little more nuance to sell as a viable policy proposal.
Anderson: CALL ME.
Tulsi: No.
Anderson: WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED?
Pete: Your lashing-out at Beto about courage is out of character for you.
Cory: I always agree with you, I always like you ... but I can never find anything interesting to say about you.
Julián: I always agree with you, I always like you ... but I can never find anything interesting to say about you.
Amy: Why did your people just call us in the middle of the debate? Are they not watching you right now?
Everyone: You’re all a little wobbly at directly answering the questions you’re asked.
Bernie: I pretty much always agree with you. But you’re yelly and disconcertingly old and please groom someone younger and less abrasive to carry your torch.
Tom: I’m wary of the personal influence of your personal wealth on your policies, so I’m equally wary of your populist messages. But I’m listening ...
Everyone: Please shut up when your time is up.
Joe: I admire and appreciate your vast political experience, but more and more it feels like it’s creating baggage and distraction.
Tulsi: No.
Andrew: You’re an example of how a REAL businessman knows REAL things and how they can thoughtfully, practically, REALLY work. I have faith in you.
Ron Reagan: Ballsy ad buy.
Elizabeth: I greatly admire your knowledge, intelligence and preparedness. You set the bar high.
Tom: YES! Take on trump and crush the shithole.
Cory: Nice dig at trump’s health. I hope he chokes on his bile and dies.
Marianne: Why aren’t you here tonight? Too weird?
Joe: You meander and stumble like a trump when you talk. I’m concerned.
Kamala: You’re so freaking smart and I love your take-no-bullshit prosecuting-attorneyness. I’d be proud to call you President.
Pete: I’d still be prouder to call YOU President.
Anderson: I DON’T CARE IF YOU’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF MODERATING A DEBATE. YOU OWE ME A CALL. I’M NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER OR PRETTIER HERE.
Pete: How did I miss your proposal to expand the Supreme Court? I’m skeptical, but I believe in you and your thinking so I’m listening ...
IS IT ME OR DOES PETE KEEP GETTING CUT OFF SOONER THAN EVERYONE ELSE WHEN HE GETS TIME TO SPEAK? IS HE BEING PENALIZED FOR HAVING THE MOST ADORABLE HUSBAND?
Pete: “That’s not how donald trump got within cheating distance of the White House in the first place.” I LOVE YOU.
I have to pee and I’m tired. I may have to cut this short. Tell me if I miss a big splashy production number or something at the end.
Hello, ab machine. Hello, long-dormant abs.
Hello, dawning realization that I do indeed have a weird haircut.
What’s your sign?
I’m tonic C major on the cusp of dominant G major with E minor in retrograde arpeggio.
I’m wide awake at 6:00 for no useful reason
I might as well get up and get dressed so I can make things happen.
Monday, October 14, 2019
So what's this stuff in my hair?
Donald Trump?
No. But that’s a highly plausible, highly informed guess. Five points for you!
It is actually I, your surgery-scarred, shiny-wrist-haired, correct-pronoun-using protagonist. And “protagonist” is an Old Norwegian (as in Jake, the Old Norwegian) word for “dumbass.”
Sunday, October 13, 2019
The set is struck, the Jake twins have parted ways and Dolly’s not coming down those stairs again anytime soon
Closing show!
It’s my last opportunity to sport my jaunty cap (twice!) and race up and down the Story And A Half Sub Basement Spiral Staircase Of Certain Unstoppable Grisly And Disfiguring Death.
Saturday, October 12, 2019
Where did you come from ...
Say you’re walking through downtown Cedar Rapids (hypothetically) from your car to the theater where you’re doing Hello, Dolly! (hypothetically) and you walk past the convention center where a bunch of kids are having their homecoming dance (hypothetically) and a girl walking by with a couple friends looks at you very excitedly and exclaims “Hi, Joe!” and looks still very excitedly at you as she waits for a response, do you:
1) Do what we all know is probably best for her and excitedly say “Hi!” back to let her keep living safely in her delusional Joe universe
2) Yell “I’M NOT JOE!” and embarrass her in front of her delusion-enabling friends
3) Use her greeting as an in to say “Gurrrl you are ROCKING that knockoff Prada!”
4) Explain solemnly that Joe died and you’re his inconsolable twin brother on his way to the funeral
5) Look frantically over your shoulder and run away as though you know there’s a hitman named Joe lumbering after you with a chainsaw and William Shatner mask
6) Toot audibly and say “oops—you startled me!”
7) Melt into the ground in embarrassment because people terrify you
😎 Get really pissed that typing 8 and ) side by side automatically and irreversibly turns into 😎 on your phone
9) Tell her where you did come from and where you did go
10) Post an online survey
1) Do what we all know is probably best for her and excitedly say “Hi!” back to let her keep living safely in her delusional Joe universe
2) Yell “I’M NOT JOE!” and embarrass her in front of her delusion-enabling friends
3) Use her greeting as an in to say “Gurrrl you are ROCKING that knockoff Prada!”
4) Explain solemnly that Joe died and you’re his inconsolable twin brother on his way to the funeral
5) Look frantically over your shoulder and run away as though you know there’s a hitman named Joe lumbering after you with a chainsaw and William Shatner mask
6) Toot audibly and say “oops—you startled me!”
7) Melt into the ground in embarrassment because people terrify you
😎 Get really pissed that typing 8 and ) side by side automatically and irreversibly turns into 😎 on your phone
9) Tell her where you did come from and where you did go
10) Post an online survey
Friday, October 11, 2019
Last-minute tips from me to you for getting the most out of Sunday's Chicago Marathon:
1. Do your crying up front. You'll be emotional at the starting line as it is, so let your tears flow then. Trust me: You won't have any moisture left in your body at the finish line anyway.
2. Speaking of moisture, PEE BEFORE THE RACE. Then get back in the porta-potty line and pee again.
3. There are very few people in the world who get to be cheered and screamed at by literally a million fans for plus-or-minus four hours. You're one of them. Drink it in.
4. That said, don't let all that screaming distract you from the race. It's fun to smile and wave at everyone, but doing so burns precious energy. Find the balance between being a rock star and being a disciplined runner.
5. THAT said, all bets are off in Boystown. The second you turn left from Addison onto Broadway, you will be overcome by megatron levels of cheering and screaming and drag queens and music and pure unbridled joy. It is the BEST mile of the race, so smile and wave and cheer and pump your arms and maybe even cry a little. You won't be able to stop yourself anyway, so dive in and enjoy it.
6. There's no shame in walking if you need to. Your legs will start to stiffen up if you walk too long, though, which will make it harder to resume your running. But you probably already know that by now.:-)
7. That said, suck it up, put on your badass runner face and start running like a world-class athlete whenever you see the marathon photographers. (See photo below.) You'll thank me when it comes time to buy your commemorative marathon photos.
8. I'm not gonna lie: Your last few miles running north up Michigan Avenue will suck like you won't believe. The cheering crowds will thin, your feet will hurt all the way up to your neck and you will swear that someone has put the Willis Tower--your one shining beacon leading you to the finish line--on wheels and is slowly pushing it farther and farther north just to mess with your mind. Rest assured that's not the case; there seriously isn't time to get all those wheels installed.
9. The route is pretty uniformly, blessedly flat. For the first 26 miles. In a twist that can only be described as Geneva-Convention-defying cruel, the route becomes a st-e-e-e-e-p hill once you pass the 26-mile marker and turn right on Roosevelt. To mitigate the situation, though, there will be another massive crowd there to cheer you on. Drink in as much as your body will let you.
10. Check out your skin after you cross the finish line. You will be covered in homemade salt. You're a margarita! So drink it in again! So to speak.
11. IMMEDIATELY GO HYDRATE.
12. IMMEDIATELY GO HYDRATE.
13. IMMEDIATELY GO HYDRATE.
13.5. PLUS EAT A FREE BANANA.
13.75. AND A FREE COOKIE.
14. And you won't want to, but you'll thank yourself later if you do some gentle stretching as soon as you get through the finisher crowd.
15. YOU'VE! RUN! A! MARATHON!
2. Speaking of moisture, PEE BEFORE THE RACE. Then get back in the porta-potty line and pee again.
3. There are very few people in the world who get to be cheered and screamed at by literally a million fans for plus-or-minus four hours. You're one of them. Drink it in.
4. That said, don't let all that screaming distract you from the race. It's fun to smile and wave at everyone, but doing so burns precious energy. Find the balance between being a rock star and being a disciplined runner.
5. THAT said, all bets are off in Boystown. The second you turn left from Addison onto Broadway, you will be overcome by megatron levels of cheering and screaming and drag queens and music and pure unbridled joy. It is the BEST mile of the race, so smile and wave and cheer and pump your arms and maybe even cry a little. You won't be able to stop yourself anyway, so dive in and enjoy it.
6. There's no shame in walking if you need to. Your legs will start to stiffen up if you walk too long, though, which will make it harder to resume your running. But you probably already know that by now.:-)
7. That said, suck it up, put on your badass runner face and start running like a world-class athlete whenever you see the marathon photographers. (See photo below.) You'll thank me when it comes time to buy your commemorative marathon photos.
9. The route is pretty uniformly, blessedly flat. For the first 26 miles. In a twist that can only be described as Geneva-Convention-defying cruel, the route becomes a st-e-e-e-e-p hill once you pass the 26-mile marker and turn right on Roosevelt. To mitigate the situation, though, there will be another massive crowd there to cheer you on. Drink in as much as your body will let you.
10. Check out your skin after you cross the finish line. You will be covered in homemade salt. You're a margarita! So drink it in again! So to speak.
11. IMMEDIATELY GO HYDRATE.
12. IMMEDIATELY GO HYDRATE.
13. IMMEDIATELY GO HYDRATE.
13.5. PLUS EAT A FREE BANANA.
13.75. AND A FREE COOKIE.
14. And you won't want to, but you'll thank yourself later if you do some gentle stretching as soon as you get through the finisher crowd.
15. YOU'VE! RUN! A! MARATHON!
Thursday, October 10, 2019
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