I haven’t had a car payment in 15 years. BUT I DO NOW!

The transmission in my trusty silver 2004 Kia Spectra started feeling a bit iffy this week. And the rust spots over the rear tires were growing so big they’d been issued their own ZIP code.

So my sister—my sweet, sweet sister who turns into a take-no-prisoners pit bull when she buys a car—and I headed out this morning JUST TO LOOK at cars ... and five hours later I came home with a shiny new MEGA HIGH TECH black 2020 Kia Forte.

TWENTY. TWENTY. My car is so shiny and new it hasn’t even been built yet.

AND!

Once the car was all mine and I started it and turned on my shiny new SXM Broadway channel to accompany my first official drive in my shiny new car, SXM WAS PLAYING XANADU, which as we all know is the best show ever.

IT. WAS. ALL. FORETOLD.

Pointless Knickknacks I Have Bought, Volume 5: This Cat-Thing

I love to brag, but my ridiculously unnecessary impulse shoe purchase is way cooler than your ridiculously unnecessary impulse shoe purchase

Welp. THAT’s not gonna work.

I bought these Union Jack running shoes from Brooks—the brand of shoe I run in, but not the style—last year as a dumbass $100 impulse purchase when I got cast in Billy Elliot. (Because it’s a British musical, for those of you keeping score at home.) I’ve had no productive reason to wear them since then, but I thought they’d be Northern-Europey enough to wear this weekend when I run the Nordic Fest’s Elveløpet 15K. (Because Norway is so close to the UK that their flags are suspiciously similar.) But I’m glad I did a test run this morning in them, because I just discovered they have NO (or ZERØ in Norwegian) running support or cushioning or any purpose beyond wearing them to rehearsals for British musicals (or musiçals in French, which is also Northern Europey). So my My Fair Lady rehearsals can’t start søøn enough.

When restraint and common sense completely abandon you in the regret-filled canyons of Target

My name’s Jake

And I regret the impulse purchase of this shirt.