BEHOLD MY MANLY POWERS

OLD LIGHT AT THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIRS:• Cheapy grandma-blah 1970s-bad-idea Trump-tacky fake gold hardware
• Cheapy grandma-tapioca textured glass bowl that you can actually see through to the ugly lightbulb
• Incandescent lightbulb with shady, mousy-blah, unhelpful yellowish light
• The exact wrong kind of light for photographing clearly when it’s on
• HORRIFYINGLY SCREWED INTO THE CEILING DRYWALL INSTEAD OF THE JUNCTION BOX WHEN I REMOVED IT
• Probably cost $2.99 at The Lazy Ugly Grandma-Blah Trump University Store

NEW LIGHT AT THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIRS:• Handsome, timeless, Jake-has-exquisite-taste-you-should-totally-date-him brushed-nickel hardware
• Lightly frosted, subtly marbled, perfect-amount-of-opaqueness glass dome
• White LED bulbs with clean, pure, flattering, culturally appropriate light
• Though it unfortunately shows how much we need to regularly dust and vacuum at the bottom of the stairs
• Photographs handsomely when it’s on
• MOUNTED ON AND GROUNDED TO A JUNCTION BOX SO WE ALL DON’T DIE IN A DAMN ELECTRICAL FIRE
• I long ago threw away the receipt even though I waited until today to put it up but I think it was $19.99

Another weekend of Hello, Dolly! performances is over

If you’re on the fence about seeing us because of potential OSHA hygiene violations, be known that Theatre Cedar Rapids is so hardcore method that the Harmonia Gardens waiters have to wash our hands in the dressing room before we report to work on the stage. YOU CAN REST ASSURED THAT WE WILL NEVER GET SHOW-TUNEY ACTOR GERMS ON YOUR PLASTIC FOOD OR HOT-GLUED CHAMPAGNE FLUTES.

WHEW.

I'm OK

My new iPhone X is finally up and running!

Except it uses face recognition technology, which freaks me out. So I’m not taking any chances.

Happy and safe running today, NYC!

Seven years ago this weekend I went to New York, saw some shows, had dinner with some lifelong friends, and ... oh, there’s something else I’m forgetting here ... shows ... dinner ... yes! That’s it! I ran my seventh (and so far last) marathon! With Jared from Subway! Well, not really WITH him; Subway was not going to let him embarrass the company with any kind of marathon-related scandal so they had him running literally in a ring of elite runners who made sure he crossed the finish line ... right in front of me. The jerk. He went on to pursue other scandals soon after the marathon, while I went on to curse my decision to leave all my cash in my hotel room during the marathon so I had to hobble more than two miles around marathon blockades from Central Park West to East 45th Street after the run because I couldn’t pay for a cab. But Woody Allen saw me cross the finish line, so the entire race was like a red carpet gala. I even took home a big shiny award, which I self-congratulatorily wore along with many of my crippled marathon brethren to LAX the next day.

Of course, all of this was back when the only thing runners had to focus on was the joy of running through 26.2 miles of cheering crowds in all five NYC boroughs and not being wounded and murdered by terrorists. The 2017 NYC marathon is happening as we speak, under 26.2 miles of heavy security — a week after multiple pedestrians were murdered in a terrorist attack in lower Manhattan. I’m sitting here in Iowa unable to protect today’s runners so each one can experience the same euphoric joy I did when I ran, but I know we’re all putting our trust in the extended local law enforcement to keep everyone safe. I don’t know if I know anyone who’s running today, but my heart is with everyone, and I’m excitedly cheering from afar in the hopes that today’s marathon is as thrilling — and safe — as mine was for every runner.

NEVER put foil in the microwave

Are you people trying to kill us all?

Wait. Don't answer that.