When you should be asleep but you realize if you don’t haul out all your Christmas crap now it’ll suddenly be Easter and you’ll wonder why the hell you spent $23 on clearance tabletop trees last January

So here are the Stations Of Christmawesomeness, in order:

1. The Enchanted Forest Of Silver Shimmers And Crisp Aspen Whites

2. The Gold Medal Glen

3. Red As A Reindeer’s Freshly Expressed Glands

4. Evergreens And Bluish-Green Wannabes That Maybe Could Be Called Mrs. Peacocks If I Could Get Those Naming Rights

5. The Sad Land Of The One Lonely Blue Reindeer Who Is Probably Dying Of Frostbite Or Something Just As Unsightly

6. Tons Of Fucking Reindeers Because I Can’t Fucking Stop Buying Fucking Reindeers On January Clearance But At Least They’re All In A Metallic-Shimmer Palette And Yes Those Are The Same Paint Chips That Were Stuck To The Bookshelf Last Year Because I Can’t Decide What Shade Of Old-Money-Rich-People-Blue To Paint My Bedroom It’s A Big Decision So Don’t Rush Me Shut Up