Well apparently I’m never going upstairs again.

Bitch Kitty’s powers are so strong that not only have they imprisoned me in my basement dungeon until a handsome prince (preferably wearing a speedo and singing show-tune duets in a comfortable key) comes to rescue me, but they’ve also turned our staircase walls into shiny molten caramel.

Do you see that little metal thing sticking out from under Bitch Kitty's ample butt?

That's the little sliver of the end of the heat vent in our guest room, which is at the moment our de facto gift room, which is also at the moment FREEZING because Bitch Kitty has completely obliterated the only heat vent in the room with her selfish, bag-of-pudding body. I hope the metal partitions on the heat vent are not only uncomfortable for her but they also sear scarlet-letter lines in her selfish Bitch Kitty belly like grill marks on a tuna steak.

Fun fact: My mother, my sister and I--without conferring amongst ourselves--all picked that same celery color when we painted various rooms in our houses: the front hall in my sister's house, the ensuite (which was really an elfin bathroom at the end of a 5/8th scale Barbie(R) Dream Bedroom but ensuite makes it sound palatial and glamorous) in my Chicago condo, and the private cat sauna in my parents' condo.

When you should be asleep but you realize if you don’t haul out all your Christmas crap now it’ll suddenly be Easter and you’ll wonder why the hell you spent $23 on clearance tabletop trees last January

So here are the Stations Of Christmawesomeness, in order:

1. The Enchanted Forest Of Silver Shimmers And Crisp Aspen Whites

2. The Gold Medal Glen

3. Red As A Reindeer’s Freshly Expressed Glands

4. Evergreens And Bluish-Green Wannabes That Maybe Could Be Called Mrs. Peacocks If I Could Get Those Naming Rights

5. The Sad Land Of The One Lonely Blue Reindeer Who Is Probably Dying Of Frostbite Or Something Just As Unsightly

6. Tons Of Fucking Reindeers Because I Can’t Fucking Stop Buying Fucking Reindeers On January Clearance But At Least They’re All In A Metallic-Shimmer Palette And Yes Those Are The Same Paint Chips That Were Stuck To The Bookshelf Last Year Because I Can’t Decide What Shade Of Old-Money-Rich-People-Blue To Paint My Bedroom It’s A Big Decision So Don’t Rush Me Shut Up

We're all ...

red and yellow and green and brown and scarlet and black and ochre and peach and ruby and olive and violet and fawn and lilac and gold and chocolate and mauve and cream and crimson and silver and rose and azure and lemon and russet and grey and purple and white and pink and orange VOTE BLUE!