And while I’ve always wanted to be shirtless beefcake at a big gay event—and I’m thrilled to be asked—I’m not sure I can smile and flirt and hold in my stomach for three hours without passing out. There’s still a bit of unsightly puffiness from the lipo, see, but all my jeans now hang low enough on my waist that you can see the still-very-red scars on my hip bones. And any of the guys tonight who see the scars and know what they are will be all look at HER and she’s too old to go around shirtless and didn’t she wear those shoes to the last Big Gay Cocktail Club?
Of course, anyone who knows what the scars are probably got that knowledge first-hand, so who are YOU to be all “look at HER” about me, you bony-finger-pointing, Filene’s-Basement-shopping Joan Riverses? Don' MAKE me have to CUTchoo.
Whew! Where was I? Oh yes: Manscaping. I shaved all the tummy and chest fur this week that I’d been letting grow since a month before the surgery. I thought it might look all sexy and luxurious when it was at full pelt, but it just looked anemic and laughable. And nobody loves a cupid that looks like a kitten with ringworm. I also got a full back waxing to remove the 50 random hairs that I couldn’t reach with a razor, but I was going to do that anyway. Because nobody loves a gay boy who looks like a macramé plant holder.
In any case, I’m all manscaped and out-of-a-bottle tanned and ready to face the music tonight. Literally! This month’s BGCC is promoting the Chicago Gay Men’s Chorus’ new CD of love (and not-so-in-love) songs, I Will Be Loved Tonight. We’ll be singing some of the songs from the CD at the event and shamelessly trying to sell it—along with tickets to our spring show—to all the homos
Here’s what the CD looks like, in case you want to decorate your home in colors that will help you display it to its full aesthetic advantage when you buy your 50 copies:
If all goes according to plan tonight, we’ll sell a ton of CDs, people will have a great time, I won’t pass out and nobody will realize that Jake can’t grow a decent crop of body hair. Look at HER.