Sunday, October 03, 2004

I am the biggest gaywad you know.

Decorating for Halloween. It's how today's homosexual desperately struggles to overcome the creeping realization that he's doomed to die bitter and alone celebrates the coming of autumn and fills his home with crap displays his unique, personal flair.

Check out the ways I found to waste a perfectly good Saturday afternoon everything I accomplished yesterday:

Notice the skulls AND the serpent. Notice how the candles are at spooky angles. Notice how I actually have a pedestal in my home upon which I can display holiday decorations. Notice how I'm still single at 36.

No visit to the toilet is complete without a friendly smile or three from little skull candles that shoot flames out their noses.

Mickey. In a Dracula cape. Popping out of a smiling pumpkin. If that weren't gay enough, notice the toile tablecloth (matching throw pillows not shown). But you can almost see my spectacular 24th-floor view of the city twinkling off to the horizon. And that's pretty cool.

Remember these goofy ghosts from your third-grade classroom? They were stupid and tacky then, but thanks to my adult-homosexual understanding of kitch and irony -- not to mention an after-holiday clearance sale at Walgreen's a few years back -- I can relive their glow-in-the-dark childhood magic every Halloween in my own home!

Mommy Ghost is taking her baby ghosts for a walk among the liquor and knickknacks. (Notice how the baby ghosts have different mouths. That makes them unique and collectible.) It's this effortless intermingling of everyday objects and themed decorations that is the hallmark of every lonely, bitter old queen's decorating élan.


Archerr said...

Great pictures. Your decorating looks very festive!

tim said...

Oh Jake-ness, embrace your single-hood. You're so much more than that... at the very least, you celebrate celebration. I can't even get the gonads to put up anything for Xmas. It takes me a lot of effort to not toss Xmas cards after I read them.

Homer said...

Oh Jake, those are some mighty fine decorations. I'm 41 and still looking for a nice boyfriend, hoping it will happen someday.

R said...

If it makes you feel better, last year my roommates came back from Thanksgiving break and our room was lined with christmas lights, our windows were framed in this heinous gold tinsel, we had a christmas tree, there was a bowl of holly and ivy where our fruit bowl usually went, and there were four stockings hung along the windowsill. And the naked female mannequin was wearing nothing but tinsel. I kind of don't think they ever forgave me.

obliquity said...

You have a great sense of style and panache. Coupled with your obvious good looks and personality, I have no doubt that there is a Mr. Right out there looking for his soulmate Jake.

Alas, at 39, I am awaiting my Mr. Right as well. Apparently, we're just meant to learn the virture of patience. In the meanwhile, style will have to be our cross to bear. :-)

RcktMan Rick said...

How utterly adorable. Were you a schoolteacher in your former life? :)

I'm sure when boys come by and say "Trick or Treat," you'll know the right answer.