Don’t scream words like UNIVERSAL, FITS ALL BRANDS and REPLACES ALL STYLES in huge bold type at the top of your damn packaging

and then all-but-literally whisper 2” in brown-on-fucking-gradient-brown-on-fucking-beige on the bottom corner under the fucking blister pack with no context that might alert me to the fact that 2” is FUCKING IMPORTANT PURCHASING INFORMATION TO KNOW and not expect me to yell FUCK at you on my blog after I’ve torn my toilet tank apart and gotten myself covered with toilet-tank slime and finally gotten your poorly labeled flapper installed and THEN discovered not only that it was the wrong size but even that there are multiple sizes you should have made me aware that I should consider so I wouldn’t have to make two trips to the hardware store when there is no earthly reason this repair project should warrant two trips to the hardware store, korky.

PS: Your company name is stupid. And fucking LEARN HOW ADULTS CAPITALIZE.

Well, here’s why it won’t flush, ma’am: The chain came loose ...

Look! I fixed the binding in my Full Monty sheet music!

And I'm in a show with playoff music called BIG ASS TAG! Things couldn't be better.

Guess who’s probably getting a new battery as soon as AAA comes

At least this time AAA is coming to my nice cozy garage instead of trying to find me and my blown tire along a lonely highway in rural Vinton like last time.

For those of you keeping score at home, that’s two AAA calls in three months, after zero AAA calls in probably a decade.

Also for those of you keeping score at home, it’s been so long since I've had to pop my hood that it took me forever to find the damn hood-poppy thingie.

Well, shit.

It’s alarming how charming I feel

When you have an oven fire and you had to cut the wires to the hard-wired smoke alarm system because the smoke alarms WOULDN’T STOP SCREAMING AT YOU and the house won’t stop smelling like the contestants on Bottom Chef so you have to buy oven cleaner that chaps the life out of your hands and Lysol that barely starts to work after a day of repeated sprayings and battery-powered smoke detectors that require you to accept the challenge of capping off the electrical source though you still can’t find it and removing the hard-wired smoke detectors first which really should be done by a stable genius and did I mention how chapped my hands are and how smoke-alarming the house smells and that the guy at the hardware store — who is older than I am — somehow managed to turn our conversation about oven cleaner into a recommendation that I should try marijuana?

#FireAndFury
#FireAndFuckThisShit