I am one man!

Remember the letters to the editor I wrote last week to Newsweek and Time magazines? Remember? Or were you too busy doing something interesting or productive? Well let me catch you up: I may have been a little late to get published in Time, but NOT NEWSWEEK, BITCHES! Start tuning your harps, because you're about to be singing paeans to the literary famousity of Jake.

Of course, there's always a hitch. While historically Time, US News, the Advocate, the Des Moines Register, the Cedar Rapids Gazette and even NPR have published/read my letters to the editor and given me full, sweet credit, Newsweek truncated my brilliant writing—every word a gem, I tell you!—and put it in its little reductionist "Mail Call" section.

But beggars can't be choosers, and if I'm going to claw my way to stardom like my idol Paris Hilton, I guess I'll take what I can get. FOR NOW. In the mean time, here's what's left of my brilliant writing. At least they gave me the prestigious signoff position, where Paris—assuming she gets Newsweek in the hoosegow—can get the message LOUD AND CLEAR that I'm well on my way to taking her place: