Midterm Election Initiatives

It’s an election year, and instead of tackling issues of substance and relevance and actual importance to the electorate, our humble public servants are discussing: the “threat” of gay marriage. Again. Even though there’s nothing threatening about it. Even though an anti-gay marriage amendment has no chance in hell of getting passed.

So since we seem to have education, healthcare, the economy, the war, our out-of-control theocracy and even the fact that Karl Rove should never wear corduroy pants under control in the months before a midterm election, I’m proposing a handful of common-sense bills that should be debated (minimally) and passed (unanimously) to fill our elected officials’ copious amounts of free time between now and November:

The Bathroom Privacy Amendment
All public restrooms must be equipped with poorly installed exhaust fans that make enough noise to mask the sounds of human bodily functions, splashing and errant humming.

The Upson-Downs Act
Elevator buttons must toggle on and off each time they’re pushed, allowing clumsy people a second chance if they hit a wrong button and punishing impatient people who think pushing a button repeatedly will somehow make an elevator appear more quickly.

The One-Smack Amnesty Act
United States citizens are allowed one act of hand-to-face violence per day toward a deserving person of their choice. Smackable offenses include (but are not limited to):
• loud and/or irritating cell-phone ringtones
• waddling slowly down the center of a busy sidewalk
• pushing elevator buttons repeatedly in the assumption you will make an elevator appear faster
• being Tom Cruise
• being Pat Robertson
• being on a reality TV show
• being that fifth dentist who doesn’t recommend Trident
• being one of the 28% of people who still give Dubya a favorable rating
• being Nick Lachey and not once appearing at my door in a towel demanding that I kiss you
• saying “dude” without the proper amount of irony
• thinking even for a second that there’s something wrong with gay people or our desire to marry
• thinking the pope looks like anything but a Disney villain
• purchasing or displaying Precious Moments figurines
• using quotes for no discernible reason in your writing
• keeping a hidden folder of shirtless Kevin Federline pix on your computer
• writing silly blog posts to hide the fact you have nothing of real interest to say
• wearing bangs
• giggling when you say “Nelly Furtado”
• humming in public restrooms