Friday, January 06, 2006

Things that irritate me for no useful reason


Example! Toilets with mirrors over them so you have to watch yourself pee. Really. What value does this add to a bathroom? I can see the argument that a wall o’ mirrors can make a room look bigger … but a pretend-bigger bathroom is totally trumped by a lifetime of never having to watch fluids cascade out of your business. (Am I right, ladies?)

Example! Toilets with mirrors across from them so you have to watch yourself poop. You’re crowning. You race to an unfamiliar toilet in an unfamiliar bathroom—perhaps at a dinner party or in a hotel room. You slam the door, drop trou, whirl around to sit down … and there you are. Watching. Yourself. Poop. Watching that whole cycle of bloated discomfort/eyes watering from the strain/shock and awe/shiver of relief/lean over to wipe/lean over to wipe a few more times just in case—all on your very own face.

Example! Doors with mirrors on the backs that totally face the toilets. This is probably the most horrifying because it’s a stealth offense (you have no idea the mirror is there until it’s too late), it’s unavoidable (you have to close the door when you’re pooping—it’s the law), and it offers you a full-body view of yourself looking both vulnerable and uncivilized. Kind of like Dubya at a press conference. And nobody wants to see that.

Example! Faucets that reach only a couple inches over the sink. Once you’ve finished watching yourself poop and pee, you’re gonna want to wash your eyes hands. But if you keep banging those hands against the side of the sink because it was installed with faucets that are too short, you’re gonna get irritated. And soapy. And bruisey. And you’ll splash water all over the walls, which will loosen the mirrors from their moorings and they’ll come crashing down in a dramatic display of crashing-downiness and then how the hell are you supposed to watch yourself go to the bathroom?

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