If a super-jazzy, super-jingly, super-challenging musical score about elves doesn't make your holidays brighter ...

if hearing a chorus of otherwise super-manly basses squeak out repeated high A's doesn't dog-whistle you ... if watching my freakishly talented friend D.J. totally ROCK IT as the charming, guileless, fearlessly ridiculous Buddy the Elf doesn't elicit even a wan smile from your stony comportment ... if your cold, dead heart prevents you from understanding my subtly nuanced performance of Doug the Christmas Cop breaking up a sweaty Santa fight ... you AT LEAST owe it to yourself to come see Elf the Musical just to hear the 90-year-old Barton organ fill Theatre Cedar Rapids with glorious Christmas carols before each Friday and Saturday performance.

The organ is a hidden gem in the heart of the city, and it is truly a treat to get to hear it on the occasions that it gets played. And just look at the organ console: IT'S BLACK VELVET! WITH RHINESTONES!

THERE. IS. NOTHING. GAYER.

Don't make me call you out as a cotton-headed ninny-muggins. Get your tickets at https://www.theatrecr.org/event/elf-the-musical/2018-11-16/

Breakfast pie!

OK ... super-late-breakfast pie ...

I’m off to my Gays Do Galena reunion weekend with some big gay Chicago friends I haven’t seen since our last reunion six months ago

To guilt them into enduring friendship, I’m bring multiple homemade (specifically, mom-made) pies in super-gay Longaberger baskets trimmed in super-gay fruit-print ruffles. Except we’re missing one basket lid, so we substituted a super-gay kitty towel.

Also: I’m bringing super-optimistic sunglasses in case we ever see the sun again.