The Hubble Telescope called. It wants its lenses back.

I wear a lot of hats in Hello, Dolly!

Well, I wear TWO hats. But not at once, despite what this artfully composed self-portraiture might imply.

I also apparently wear lots of chins—even more than the number of hats on the elegant-millinery-shop prop table hiding behind me and my chins on this, our second quad-shredding, knee-crippling, calf-calving five-hour rehearsal day in a row.

So the key takeaway here is everything hurts and I’m dying AND I'M NOT DOING IT FOR MY HEALTH SO GET YOUR TICKETS AND COME SEE US AT THEATRE CEDAR RAPIDS.

Do you have ANY IDEA how hard it is to take a decent helicopter selfie in a hooded sweatshirt? DO YOU?

The hood opens around you like a massive poppy in full bloom and you end up with a dinner-plate halo like you’re a minor saint in a Medieval altar triptych.

Anyway, when you stave off a bipolar episode by sleeping all day and then chug a pre-workout shake before an evening trip to the gym, you end up wide awake at 11:45 pm. But I wore red for International Women’s Day and I gave a little hug to (I think) every woman at rehearsal tonight (though we were a bit chaotic so I may have missed somebody but please know that you’re all kick-ass and I love all of you every day) and even though I always feel guilty when I miss work, I count today as good but I just REALLY want to fall asleep now.

Of all the 10-Year Challenge parodies, this one made me laugh my head off

Here’s my formal Doug the Christmas Cop holiday portrait that I’m going to use in this year’s Christmas cards

Speaking of Christmas, you should really come see me and our entire cast of bejinglebelled elves and the people who love them in Elf the Musical at Theatre Cedar Rapids. We open this weekend!

I swear I’m just getting amazinger and amazinger at photography—especially artistic portraiture

To wit: the exquisite composition and compelling narrative of this group selfie that I took just this morning after our run:

I call it The Beatitude of St. Rob, and it truly rivals the Renaissance masters in the way it frames Rob—representing the Cedar Rapidian god Guy With The Newest Running Shoes—between the verdant fecundity of the trees as he’s flanked by his noble warrior Me and his also-noble-but-in-the-background-so-as-not-to-pull-focus-from-me warrior Scott as we depict the noble warrior mementos mori of Oh My God I’m Dying Because It’s So Muggy and Oh My God I’m Dying Because I’m So Sweaty. The rooftop in the background is, of course, a metaphor for the ethereal certitude that there’s a house behind us and it has a roof, while the three figures in the foreground are mathematically equivalent to the three miles we just finished running. Renaissance masters dig representational stuff like that.

Please do not reproduce and sell this image, as its copyrighted and I’ll make snide comments about your wardrobe choices on Facebook if you do. And watch for the next in my series of Renaissance Masters Artistic Portraiture By Jake(R) on Wednesday, where we’re going to force Scott to be in the foreground for once.

Flashback Friday: Mall Portraiture Edition

I honestly have no idea what I was thinking with that floofy hair and those dinner-plate glasses ... or what possessed my family to let me leave the house looking like a bar mitzvah clown. The only redeeming element of this family picture was our idea to show off our higher-education pride by wearing our college sweatshirts, which the mall photographer clearly screwed up. But here we are: my family circa 1995. My hair circa Carol Brady.