Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Retail therapy!

Sometimes there’s nothing like an Internet connection and a line of credit to cure what ails you. Especially since it’s probably illegal to kick Ted Haggard, Jim Naugle, Bob Allen and Larry Craig in the head. And by head I don’t mean bathroom, though there would be a lovely Song of Sodomites poetry to Jim, Bob and Larry getting head-kicked in the head.

And while I’m on the topic of gay men, I just bought a bunch of show-tune CDs! I comparison shopped from the convenience of my computer and found everything I wanted on Amazon—all for up to 30% less than what Barns & Noble wanted to charge me. Honestly, I have no idea how stays in business—their prices are higher than Ted Haggard’s legs on a male hooker’s shoulders. At least where show tunes are involved. And really, is there any other reason to use your credit cards on the Internets?

Here’s a shot of the actual confirmation email I received from Amazon, cropped only to protect you from seeing the mountain of crap cluttering my desktop:And I know: Songs from the Labyrinth hardly qualifies as show tunes. But it combines Madrigals and post-Police Sting, which are two of my favorite non-show-tune genres. So I’m generally giddy over the whole order.

But I didn’t stop there! No! Sunday was the magic date after which I could upgrade my cell phone at a discount. And upgrade I did! I am now the proud owner of a cell phone with a built-in camera that’s actually better than the digital camera I already own. Plus it has a nice big screen for text messages! Plus I can use it to make phone calls! I even got one of those wireless ear things that I guess somehow turns your teeth blue when you use it. I don’t know how, but understanding the finer points of cellular technology isn’t exactly my job.

Neither, apparently, is cropping phone pix off the Verizon web site in such a way that they end up remotely proportionate to each other:

True story: My phone cost $229, but I got a $100 discount. The Verizon clerk actually had to find a piece of paper and write $229 – $100 and then stop to think about what that equals. I also got a $50 discount through some partnership with the fiancé’s company. And while I freely admit I couldn’t do $229 – $100 – $50 in my head without employing a few pregnant pauses, this clerk was so stumped by looking at the equation on her piece of paper that she had to go find a calculator. Then again, she didn’t plead guilty to attempted cocksuckery in an airport bathroom and then try to recant by blaming her decision on the Idaho Statesman. So she’s at least fit to hold public office.

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