Thursday, August 16, 2007

How to be sick

• Develop a scratchy throat, a general sense of malaise and a Rovian case of dragon breath.
• Work the fact that you’re sick into every conversation. Say things like, “I’m sorry I’m no fun today; I’m sick.”
• Be sure to add that you bit a huge chunk out of your cheek over the weekend—and mention that it’s still swollen and tender—so people understand how much you are suffering. And how profoundly admirable you are just for showing up.
• Make a big show of using gum or mints or breath spray in meetings so people understand you are protecting them from the sulfuric pits-of-hell stench that your scratchy throat and chunky cheek are producing.
• Eat a double Quarter Pounder with cheese value meal—and super size it!—for lunch because the salty fries will help your throat, the Diet Coke will temporarily mask your dragon breath and the double Quarter Pounder with cheese will … um … just be so damn tasty.
• Duck out of work a little early, explaining that you’re sick and you need your rest.
• Constantly check the lymph nodes in your neck to see how swollen and tender they are. And to gauge just how much time you have left on this earth.
• Above all, do not feel sorry for yourself. There’s nothing more pathetic.

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