This morning I had my first dental checkup since I started using Sonicare. And while my reliance on Sonicare has slightly undermined my heretofore unfailingly conscientious flossing habits and I totally got busted on it by the hygienist, I still got a clean bill of health and a giant gold star in my dental praise portfolio. I even took a post-cleaning picture in the dentist’s lobby (when I was pretty sure nobody was looking because right before I did it I pointed out the window and yelled “Oh my god isn’t that Brad Pitt in a Speedo kicking the shit out of Ted Haggard?”) with my fancy new camera phone, which was apparently designed to add a goofy clown nose, saucer-like chipmunk cheeks and unsightly eye wrinkles to everyone it takes pictures of, which if you ask me is just cruel:
Reliably smooth chompers notwithstanding, Sonicare requires a not-insignificant time commitment. Two whole minutes, in fact: 30 seconds for each quadrant of your mouth. Which multiplies quickly to four or even six minutes a day, depending on your dental habits. Not to mention all that time you use for toothpaste squeezing and spitting and admiring your shiny teeth in the mirror. And you can’t really do anything while the vibrating handle holds your arm hostage. When I started Sonicaring, I used the time to do calf-raises so I could build up some shapely man-legs. Please don’t laugh. But now that I’m running anywhere from 20 to 30 miles a week, I frankly don’t find calf raises to be a terribly pain-free use of my time.
Once the calf-raises were ruled out, I looked for other productive things to do with my two-minute dental incarcerations. But I’ve found most productive things require two hands: Tying your shoes. Packing your lunch. Pulling up your underpants with any degree of symmetry. I don’t make the bed even when my mom’s visiting, so that’s not an option. And since I had my rouge and eyeliner tattooed on, my face is ready to go from the moment I open my eyes. I have discovered, though, that I can successfully water my plants with one hand, but that’s only a twice-a-week project. Which I guess just means I need more plants. Or children, but only the kind that you just need to water.