Find the dumbass in this selfie who totally forgot to go to his dentist appointment this morning:

You get only one guess.

I just laughed waaaaay too hard at this ...

Could there BE a more adorable child smiling toothlessly from a hand-gilded, kiln-fired, liquid-shine-glazed, holly-shaped, '74-time-stamped ceramic Christmas ornament?

No. There could not.

It’s amazing how many of these custom-molded bad boys a fella can accumulate in less than a year

Also: Titanic coasters! For drinks on ice!

I apparently chipped two teeth today at lunch by somehow incorrectly using a fork

The damage seems pretty superficial and not worth a trip to the dentist, but I definitely have some sharp, rough edges on my upper and lower incisors numbers 7 and 26, assuming I’m reading the googles correctly (see chart). Nevertheless, my future clearly holds a litany of chunks accidentally bitten out of my tongue and OSHA-mandated utensil training.

I hate to brag ...

(oh, let’s not kid ourselves; I LOVE to brag) but I’ve been upping my flossing game in the last few months and I just left the dentist’s office and the hygienist told me that my teeth were so awesome that they were by far the best she’s seen all day. ALL. DAY.

Part of the uncompromising fun of having sleep apnea is discovering that your CPAP machine doesn’t work for you.

The next fun part is when you get CPAP-incompatible-shamed by the CPAP people when you return the machine. Seriously. I’ve been treated more respectfully by high-school bullies. Anyway, I’m about to find out the fun (read: hopefully, FINALLY sleep-through-the-night rest) of wearing this custom-made opaque-blue air-passage-opening dental appliance, which after months of insurance hoops and scheduling delays and measurements and waiting finally became mine this afternoon. And it came in a teeth-festooned bag!

So here goes nothing. Wish me rest ...