Earning interest

I just had my annual review with my financial advisor, and he’s mapped out a number of highly plausible scenarios where as long as I meet certain milestones regarding retirement and Social Security I’ll be able to live comfortably until I’m 92, which is awesome because 92 WHAT THE HELL 92 I DON’T WANT TO LIVE TO BE 92 ACK KILL ME NOW INSTEAD NOW NOW NOW!

Then I came home to Bitch Kitty shifting her feline wiles into ovpurrdrive trying to get me to come close to her and let my guard down under the pretense of getting to rub her irresistibly furry tummy and finally be her friend only so she could shatter my illusions of mammal-kingdom self-worth by abruptly hissing at me and ripping my veins out. Which would at least save me from living to be 92.

Passive aggressive

The first horseman of the apocalypse has stomped its fearsome hooves and bellowed its ominous whinny; my investment guy just recommended that I downgrade my investment strategy from aggressive to moderate. Which is what people do to lessen the short-term risk of their financial holdings when they're about to become old and retire and die die die like a dead person who's died.

If you need me, I'll be standing here with one foot in this grave.