Overheard on the lakefront trail

Runner #1: You got quiet.

Runner #2: I was thinking about how much I hate Sarah Palin.

Overheard at the gym

Russian trainer: Tell me when you start feel my pain.

Dude getting his hamstrings stretched by Russian trainer: OUCH! What did you say?

RT: Tell me when you start feel my pain.

DGHHSBRT: OW. I'm sorry, but I can't understand you.

RT: Tell. Me. When. You. Start. Feel. My. Pain.

DGHHSBRT: OOF. Your pain? This is hurting you as much as it's hurting me?

RT: No ... MY pain. M. I. L. D. ... MY pain.

DGHHSBRT: Ugh. Mild pain? Dude, we crossed that threshold 20 minutes ago.

RT: OK, then ... tell me when starts to hurt.

Chicagoans on their cell phones

Girl standing on the bus a few people away from me:
“I have a modeling job tonight, and as soon as I’m done modeling I’m gonna have to walk home from my modeling job in the clothes I modeled in. DID EVERYONE HEAR THAT? I’M A MODEL.” (Words in caps may or may not be my own sarcastic addition.)

Salesperson of some sort at the bus stop:
“Yes, this one is 20 miles, which is a lot shorter than the other ones because the other ones are so long.”

Woman on the train:
“Donchoo GET in my face when I’m talking to you. Donchooo GET in my face!”

Stoner crammed on a train during evening rush hour:
“I gotta stop at my dealer’s and get a sack of herb before I come over. You need some too?” Then, looking around and realizing about 30 people just heard that: “No, I’m not buying you DRUGS, Dude. I stopped doing that shit. So STOP ASKING.”

Kid on a skateboard scraping along next to me as I run:
“Dude, I can’t hear you ’cause I’m on my skateboard. Dude. I’m skateboarding so I can’t hear you. Talk louder, Dude. I’m. On. My. Skateboard.”

It’s not spring in Chicago until …

• The El starts smelling like pee again.
• The first bad gay of spring appears in capri pants.
• The first bad straight of spring appears in jean shorts.
• There’s a run on self-tanner at Walgreens.
• You make it through the night without having to get up to find a blanket.
• Shaving your legs starts sounding like a good idea.
• So do highlights.
• But you promised yourself you’d remember past mistakes and leave well enough alone.
• You have your first meal at a sidewalk café.

Chicagoans love to eat outside—even when it’s not quite warm enough—and Jason and I inaugurated sidewalk café season tonight with a delightful dinner at Uncommon Ground. Which I’d never even heard of, though it’s HUGE and AWESOME and OTHER CAPITALIZED WORDS. It looks like it was one of those best-kept-secret storefront cafés that quietly gained a following and eventually swallowed up the whole block. The place now comprises four different storefronts (bar, café, fussy dessert place, poetry slam room), with outdoor seating that fills the entire sidewalk. And it has delicious food.

As we were leaving, Jason stopped to unlock his bike from a rack next to a table of street hoodlums straight out of central casting: slouchy postures, baggy clothes, gang gestures … the only reason they weren’t covered in bling is they looked too young to die in a war vote.

And as Jason adjusted his bike helmet, I adjusted my prejudices:

Street Hoodlum #1: You gonna go out with her again?
Street Hoodlum #2: Nah. Too weird.
Street Hoodlum #1: Who cares? She’s HOT.
Street Hoodlum #2: I thought she was too. Until she started text messaging me.
Street Hoodlum #1: And?
Street Hoodlum #2: She doesn’t know the difference between they’re and their.