So Mom has these plump little awning-stripe pillows sitting in the chairs on our vast, kingdom-beholding portico

From the street they look soft and inviting. Up close they feel preternaturally puffy and slightly hard, not unlike a taxidermied warthog. I both love and hate them, just like with Justin Bieber and high-end vinyl siding. But they’re water-resistant and I’m sweating like a warthog running from a taxidermist, so here we are.

Anywho, my short little run was going so well at the two-mile turnaround that I decided to keep going and do my usual three-mile route, which through the magical mystery math of GPS running watches clocked in today at 3.06 miles. Which makes me .06 thinner and .06 hotter. Please alert Justin Bieber.