Attention, thieves:

If you want to steal my jumper cables or my ice scraper or my emergency hat and mittens, just hang out by my trunk for a while; my car is now apparently equipped with intermittent trunk locking and my trunk pops open at regular intervals without any effort on my part. It's quite efficient. Kinda like the intermittent air bag system I used to have that's now fully disabled or maybe fully enabled because my air bag light is on all the time. I don't know if that means my air bag is completely broken or completely working, but the two dashboard lights sure look pretty when they're on together. Oh -- and be sure to grab the box when you steal my jumper cables; it has the directions printed on the back and I'd hate to see you short-circuit something in your car and trip your dashboard lights so they never turn off. Because that's really ghetto.