Monday, March 27, 2006

Good Morning, Starshine!

So I have apparently entered the trannie hooker phase of my home-decorating lifecycle.

I bought these new sheets, see, last month when I was in Iowa for my uncommonly photogenic nephew’s seventh birthday. I wasn’t shopping for sheets; I was just wandering the aisles of Kohl’s when they jumped out at me. They were 400-count primo cotton. They were a masculine gunmetal gray. They came with extra pillowcases (sold separately). They were on sale. (And I had a coupon!)

They were also something called “sateen,” which it turns out is code for “shiny as a drag queen’s eyeshadow.” And it is an all but literal slippery slope from sleeping on shiny sheets to buying a waterbed and collecting Hummel figurines.

But the color! Masculine and confident, my new sheets’ dark gray is the perfect match to the gunmetal color of my bedframe. Unfortunately, they go with the organic oatmeal color of my bedspread the way shiny wingtips go with cotton khakis. And after only two washings, the topsheet has already started to turn a bit aubergine. Or maybe it’s eggplant. Or plum. Definitely plum. (Being gay can make it such a challenge to describe colors with appropriate precision.)

In any case, here’s a gratuitous approximation of what I look like sleeping in my shiny new sheets, which you’ll notice blend so well with the bedframe it’s kind of like I’m lounging in an infiniti pool along the Mediterranean, except without the cabana boys:
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And yesterday I bought a new bedspread* to match my shiny new sheets. I decided to embrace the plum, and I got a quilted blanket in a deep, confident purple—mostly because Linens ’n’ Things didn’t have anything gray … and I had a coupon. (Curse you, coupons! You’re filling my house with shiny purple things!) The blanket matches the sheets and the bedframe OK, but I’m not so sure I love it. Deliberate purple is always a bit of a paradigm shift, so I’m not going to completely unfold it from its packaging just yet, and I’ll wait until my family is here next weekend to give me second and third and possibly fourth and fifth opinions. (The fourth and fifth opinions would be from my nephew and niece, who think it’s OK to decorate in fire trucks and bunnies, so their input, though valued, will be factored in at lower percentages.)

*The bedspread shopping happened as part of a blind date with an exceptionally charming fella. We met for lunch yesterday, and I’d planned to go shopping alone afterward if the date sucked or invite him along if it went well. Fortunately, it went extremely well, and we not only bought a bedspread together (like lesbians do on first dates!) but we also bought shoes. Which is almost tantamount to foreplay in my book.

The rest of my weekend included a delicious steak dinner on Friday night with my very pregnant college friend Kim, who is here for a conference with her delightful (and NoFo reading friends) Shannon and Jason (hi, guys!) and a spa day with Matthew that included a fancy brunch followed by manicures and pedicures (of course, Matthew got the chatty spa clinicians who spoke English and I got the shy, monolinguistic ones who haven’t learned it’s OK for women in America to do assertive things like make eye contact and small talk).

Most exciting of all, though, is my commitment to run the AIDS Marathon this year. Before our spa day, Matthew and I attended a presentation by the AIDS Marathon organization (at the uncivilized Saturday hour of 10:00 am), and now we’re committed to raising at least $1,400 each by July 5. (Watch this space for your opportunity to sponsor me!) Full disclosure: My interest here is a bit selfish; after running two Chicago Marathons completely on my own, I desperately wanted a support group to train with … and celebrate with after crossing the finish line. But instead of joining a plain-old running club, I decided I could convert all my huffing and puffing into meaningful donations. I'll still be running the Chicago Marathon, but I'll be doing it for a far more important cause than my own sense of accomplishment. The training program starts in May, and the begging program starts as soon as I get my donation page up and running.

And the biggest donor just might win a shiny new set of sheets!

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