My Hello, Dolly! costumes are pre-set deep in the underbelly of the Iowa Theater Building

They're so deep that we gradually lose melanin from lack of sun exposure and get altitude sickness and nosebleeds every time we ascend (slowly, so as not to get the bends) and emerge back on the stage.

Anywho, each set of costumes is organized in order of how I put them on:

shirt > tie (if applicable) > pants (always applicable) > vest (ditto) > coat (usually applicable) > joyful smile (by contractual obligation)

And then in order of Act I songs:

It Takes a Woman (in earthy, workaday blues) > Put On Your Sunday Clothes (in MEGA AWESOME PINK SEERSUCKER) > Dancing (in a geometric explosion of Vermeer blues) > Before The Parade Passes By (you’ll just have to come see that costume now, won’t you?)

On a nearby concrete plateau that echoes with the trickles of a sub-sub-sub-terranean cistern: assorted hats and bottles of Gatorade.

Because I AM NOTHING IF NOT PREPARED.

Program insert:

At today’s matinee of The Full Monty, the role of Horse (usually played by Omarr J Hatcher Sr.) will be played by Jake Stigers, and the show-stopping song “Big Black Man” will be replaced with the irascibility anthem “Old White Guy.” Theatre Cedar Rapids apologizes in advance if you’re asked to get off of its lawn.

Christopher Schubert will, as always, continue to photobomb every social-media post and distract from its super-funny narrative.

It takes an awful lot of clothing to be a singing stripper

Also: There are grown, functioning adults in our dressing room who just asked each other in a fog of cultural bewilderment if the song “Footloose” was written for the movie Footloose or afterward in some kind of ride-the-post-Footloose-movie-pop-culture-wave frenzy. And I am apparently THE ONLY PERSON IN THE ENTIRE DRESSING ROOM WHO’D LIVED THROUGH THE ‘80s AND FOUGHT IN ITS HARDSCRABBLE BEMOMJEANED TRENCHES AND ACTUALLY SAW FOOTLOOSE IN THE THEATERS WHO COULD UNLOCK THE MYSTERIES OF THE MEDIEVAL PAST AND ANSWER THEIR QUESTION.

(Answer: The song was written for the movie. DUH.)

Also: Kevin Bacon as Ren McCormack. Or just guys named Ren in general. Sigh.

It’s truly a dream come true to play Harold in The Full Monty, but Tacet seems to have a lot better songs

All I want for Christmas is my 4'33"!

5-Day #ChristmasCountdown

Today's Moment Of Pure Ridiculous Joy: Tony Bennett singing "Snowfall"

"Michael Jordan's Ball" Bootcamp!

The Full Monty is gonna kill us. But in the good way. And the naked way.

Our final “Why Can’t a Woman Be More Like a Man?” is playing out onstage as we speak

“Why Can’t Jake Put Down His Phone and Watch?” is playing out backstage right as I sit with Eliza Doolittle and Mrs. Higgins.

What are my favorite things, everyone? Let's all say them together now:

1. Newsies
2. "Shut Up and Dance with Me"
3. The cute guys in Newsies
4. The cute guys in Newsies who can tap
5. The cute guys in Newsies who tap while the other cute guys in Newsies sing "Shut Up and Dance with Me"
6. Lists
7. The tapper in the brown shirt
8. The singer in the white shirt
9. Marriage proposals from any of the tappers and singers in Newsies
10. Making a list that stops at an even 10
11. Oops

#ElfShelfies

#Whamageddon

FUCK. Not only am I unexpectedly forced to endure the surprise hell of an off-the-approved-spring-and-fall-calendar public-radio fund drive, but IPR just played a snippet of this nightmarish unmusical confection as a stealth-attack fade-out from its forced-jovial banter about the best name for the distinctive holiday color of the mug incentive that nobody on this or any other inhabited planet wants to receive.

So I’m out.

September morn

We danced until the night
Became a brand new day.
Two lovers playing scenes
From some romantic play.
September morning
Still can make me feel that way.